What's New? Nothing.

I noticed how lame things have been around here; a real fucking ghost town, guys. Why hasn’t anyone said something? Ok, ok, I shouldn’t blame y’all, I should take full responsibility for my lack of interesting posts, but not much has been happening. At least nothing happening I wish to relive. The nail salon that doesn’t take credit cards, but doesn’t bother to tell you until you’re already “did”, the discussion of Ambien sex and blow jobs with my two moms (why did I even bother to divulge this information?), saying goodbye to my little grade 1 puppies who harass me about my marital status...I mean really, nothing blog worthy. Plus, my weekend was sort of a bust; no fodder there.

Subsequently, through much suggestion from others and a little hesitation on my part, I joined a dating website. GOD, HELP ME! Now, I’ve relegated myself to searching through horribly executed member profiles chock full of misspelling of words such as “intertaining” and a number of dreadfully selected photographs. The cheesiest being of topless men, bathroom mirror self portraits and the ultimately uber creepy “I’m gonna take a lonely, low grade photo of myself in my bedroom with this here web cam” photos that scream, “psycho killer!”

I have no special expectations. I figure I’ll just wait and see what comes of this new undertaking. I’m not much of a dater and feel mostly socially unacceptable. For example, here is a snippet of a text session from yesterday afternoon:

Internet @ 3:57- “Cupcakes. Milkshakes. Someone’s got a sweet tooth. How do u stay so skinny?”

Steph @ 3:57- “I barf.”

Steph @ 3:58- “I get it from my dad’s side.”

Steph @ 4:01“My dad’s side is thin, not bulimic.”

I was joking, right, but what in the world would cause me to say such a thing to a virtual stranger who is completely unaware of my sense of humor? I’m a lousy flirt; lack charisma, just out right goofy and bizarre. Otherwise, when I’m not making an ass of myself, I clam up, lack all personality and refuse to divulge any information out of fear of my socially unacceptable behavioral patterns, which also doesn’t put me in a good light. I’m doomed. I need to find a good middle ground.

See, I wondered how I manage to attract a plethora of freaks and weirdos, but I now realize it’s entirely my fault. Although I see myself as cute as all heck and fun, I think the Stephanie Vibrations say something else, go from one extreme to the other; spaztastic chat machine or standoffish. So yeah, when I go out and get crunknificent on the dance floor and then wonder why I have an odd bespectacled man following me around the club with a flower he’s fashioned out of a drink napkin I have no one to blame but myself. When I got out and rarely get a second glance while I’m huddled in a corner somewhere, also my fault. I need a self help book, a special sort of companion…something, Lord, please anything!

Fortunately, like I said, my expectations aren’t high. It’s not like I’m trying to get hitched. Hell, I don’t even know what my motives are. A friendship will suffice.

PS
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