Monday, November 30, 2009

Days of The Week

I don't know how it all started, but somehow, back when I was living at home, I randomly came up with names of the week with a fun theme:

Ménage Monday
Tickly Tongue Tuesday
Whack-It Wednesday
Thorough Thrusting Thursday
Fuck Me Friday
Sex ‘Em Up Saturday

Where is Sunday, you ask? Well, I'm not a total jerk! Sunday is a holy day of rest and reflection.

At first, I used these terms to disgust family members and then this whole themed day turned into family joke. See, typically these themed days are said in casual situations with The Fam such as, "I've got to get to get plenty of rest because you know tomorrow is Whack-It Wednesday" or "I'll probably be home late tonight considering it's Fuck Me Friday".
In all seriousness, it may seem kind of out there to say such things to your younger brothers or parents for that matter, but it does bring something to light. Something I'm thankful for. Is this a Thanksgiving post you ask...Oh Yeah!
(I hate this word-blessed, but I'm about to use it anyway) I complain a lot or at least I'm accused of complaining, but deep down, I know I'm a very blessed lady. I have the majority of the things I want, have been successful in many ventures, I think I'm perfectly level headed in many a way and have a family that love, love, loves me. Not only do they love me, but (and this is the part I'm thankful for) we can be and are open with one another. It's such a (here we go again) blessing to be able to discuss all subjects with your parents and family members. Honestly though, we're all human and do human things so what's the big deal!?
I'm thankful knowing if I were to get completely shit faced drunk and reek of a garlic meatloaf sandwich I made thinking it was a good idea, I could pick up the phone and call my mom to come get me. I can also share thoughts and feelings and not worry about the reactions received. I'm sure there have been times or instances where The Fam didn't want to hear or know what I had to say or what I did and fought off the urge to vomit, but it's good I've got them around to listen and be accepting of me.
So there ya go!

i owe who?

“Are you fucking serious? You’ve got to be kidding, right?” These are the words that repeatedly went through my head when the toll lady wouldn’t let me pass.

Let me give a little back story first. There have been multiple times I’ve run the toll, not on purpose mind you. It’s mainly because rarely, if ever, do I carry cash and therefore haven’t one red cent on my person! This particular night, I made sure I had 4 shiny quarters in my car; 2 to get there and 2 to get home.

Okay, here’s the story.

Late one night, not so long ago, (like this weekend) I was heading north on the toll way and missed my exit. As I approached the next exit's booth, coins in hand, I noticed this exit was significantly more than my usual exit, in fact 85 cents more. I’m thinking, “Shit, I’m short some coins…Guess, I’m gonna have to run it once again…Wonder how much I’m going to owe the North Texas Tollway Authority…What, is there a human in that toll booth? FRICK!”

So, I stopped. Upon sight of the woman in the booth, I imagined how this couldn’t be a safe job for an older lady, especially at the hour I was passing through. I figured between her unfortunate job and my unfortunate situation, we could see eye to eye on things. You know, have each other’s back. Help a sister out.

“Ma’am, I’m SO sorry. I missed my exit, I meant to take the one before this and don’t have the 35 cents you need here. I only have a dollar. Will you take the dollar?”

“Yeah, but you’re still going to owe $1.35”


“Here, I’ll write you an IOU. Hold on there”

Sometime later, after reviewing my driver’s license, inputting data into her register and then writing down my license plate number, she presented me with an envelope and a receipt to sign off on.

“Put your signature here, here, here and here and drop this in the mail with your $1.35. You have 15 days to get this taken care of.”

Okay, so I get to pass without major implications such as that stupid flashing red light and loud sirens, but really, she couldn’t just let me slide? Granted, you can’t do favors for everyone, but gimme a break toll lady. I made an honest mistake.

After all was said and done and I had signed “here, here, here and here”, she then looked at my signatures and then had the nerve to tell me, “These signatures you put on here don’t look like the signature on your driver’s license”.

Look-y here toll lady, I signed my driver’s license in April 2006 upon it’s expiration date. That has been over 3 years ago, not only have I changed, but it was under completely different circumstances.

At this point I could only smile and kindly say, “Would you like for me to sign again?”

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I'm In

Deciding to move during Thanksgiving break wasn’t the smartest of smart ideas. Not only was a holiday taking place and I, of course, should’ve been relaxing, I also should’ve been working on multiple papers I must write and submit before December 2. Ugh!

I managed to do mostly everything on my own, until I got to the bigger pieces of furniture, which were moved today. I’ll be damned if buckets of rain didn’t pour down only when my dresser, couch and armoire were being moved. I’ve now decided to junk the couch I once so loved. Surprisingly, I took the weather-y mishap in stride. I must be changing.

Thanksgiving was filling; I spent the morning moving, the remainder of the day at my mom’s and the evening at my aunt’s, where it wasn’t possible to for me to sample any of her dishes thanks to the gluttony at Mom’s.

Friday, I was back to work. assholes. There was absolutely nothing going on in the office and thankfully, I was working a half day. Then, I spent the afternoon maniacally moving, really, really hurting my back in the process. That night, itching to hit the town, I instead took a pill for the pain and passed out on the living room floor watching an uber 90’s movie.

Saturday, I was sort of working on moving, but more so focusing on the crunknificent night I had planned with the girls; a night of boozing it up and dancing to one of our favorite cover bands. Cover band? Yes, you read correctly.

Sunday, well I’ve already told you all about Sunday because Sunday is today. I’m tired to the max and can’t wait to fall asleep knowing I’m going to wake up to find a lunch packed and ready for me to take to work Monday morning. I guess being at home with the folks has its perks although I believe my social calendar will eventually diminish and my already nonexistent love life will take even more of a plunge.

We’ll see what happens next…

Friday, November 27, 2009


I thought movies led to sex. Guess I was wrong...

I saw this vid over at The Sweetest Thing.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I realized recently, but just recently really realized what a complete and total ass I've been making of myself. I am EMBARRASSED and then some. I wish I could go into hiding, but it's not really necessary because, well, the one I want to hide from wouldn't know any different.

I feel so stupid, I'm off to drown myself in pumpkin pie filling.

I feel like the Thanksgiving asshole.... if there is such a thing (this really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, I'm just blabbering)

I feel so, so stupid.


I’m not a holiday person and you know this if you were following me over at the old spot. Holidays freak me out and I always imagine DOOM! Today’s turkey juice flame up in the oven didn’t ease my holiday phobia; there was a small fire with a large shrieking scream. But seriously, today is the day I ought to get it together, right? I’m supposed to be thankful after all. I am, I am!

I’m thankful for (brace yourself here comes a list):
A station wagon- Although grandmotherly, I can easily transport goods. Plus, I’m moving today and thanks to my wagon, I was able to put many a box in my car.
Showerless days- Lets get something straight, I’m no scum bag; I shower every night before bed and have a shower obsession that puts me under the shower head more than once a day, but sometimes things get a little lax when I know I’m spending the day with the fam- they don’t care how I look. Pumpkin pie ice cream- Oh, it’s the stuff! I haven’t seen this ice cream until this year and it only goes to reassure me that someday I will be a very large lady. My new sister & brother- The old brothers are okay, but I’m pretty thrilled to have met the new ones. My legs & feet- I lack rhythm, but how in the dickens would I dance without legs and feet? That’s all I can think of for now…off the top of my head. Since I’m on the topic of Thanksgiving, this week the kids only had two days of school and I was there for the whole overwhelming bit of the mayhem involved in a holiday. Without kids in the family, it’s easy to forget what a big deal it is to have a holiday.

Tuesday morning, I walked into the bilingual classroom to return borrowed bulletin board boarder and saw the children in paper bag Indian vests and pilgrim hats. See, the kids we just an hour away from putting on the performance of a lifetime-At least it was for me.

Since English isn’t these kids’ native language, you can imagine the accents and difficulties they face in learning a new language. The teacher had them put together a small book in English about how the pilgrims came to America and met the Indians. The kids were split up, half Indian and other half pilgrim. They acted out parts of the story, such as rowing a boat to cross the Atlantic, shooting turkeys, planting corn, being cold and so on. It was adorable and then some! I was smiling from ear to ear and if you can imagine, my smile became much more intense when I heard them say, “…the pill-uh-grams and Indians”.
**please forgive my lame post, I'm on holiday & moving!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Not So International Strip Off- LaBare Dallas

There was nothing international about this strip off, but we all had a real good time. I was super uncomfortable at first. I have no interest in strippers and to be quite honest the whole idea gives me the creeps. 1. i imagine they're gay 2. they lick, slobber, bite and fondle tons of women 3. not a huge fan of big muscles, but they sometimes look nice- i will admit

To aid myself through the discomfort and continual Beavis & Butt head giggling, I began to hoot and holler with the best of 'em. Dancing around with dollars, throwing my hands in the air and acting like an all out spaz, until I actually got within close proximity to one of these muscle bound babes- I ran like a dramatic after school special.

Now, did they consider this strip off international!? Scoman said he hoped Australia did him proud, but the most far off land anyone came from was Vegas for Christ sake! That's not international! I mean, come on...someone could've thrown on a pair of lederhosen or found a stuffed kangaroo for Sco's part of the world.

On a scale of 1-10, I give this night a 6. It would've been a 4, but fortunately we are the party and always manage to "bring it" and have a good time- we never go bored when we get together.

Thanks Girls!

down on the farm!

Sack lunches in hand, we boarded the school bus for a trip to the farm. Gosh, I don't miss the smell of a school bus, but it's fortunate we got the bus that smelled of booty instead of exhaust, we could've all died from inhalation or something (?)- I'm no doctor, who knows.

The farm was great! After we ate our lunches, we met up for an introduction which was followed by a hayride.The hayride was our mode of transportation throughout the farm. It was so lovely watching the excitement on the children's' faces. It's funny how you feel like your heart has expanded beyond the perimeters of your chest and you experience the joy of being Momma, although the kids are virtually strangers. I'm getting soft.

Our first stop was a three story tree house with slides and swings, a tiny village, a labrynth and some other stuff I don't know the names of. I did take a slide and screamed the whole way down!

When we were done playing, we hopped back onto the hayride for a tour of the farm and a stop at the Candy Cane Tree, where we all got a candy cane. Oh, and we also got to see the types of Christmas trees they grow for sale, jump in hay, roast marshmellows (a lot of the kids hadn't done this before) and pet goats and a donkey.

Check out this goats eyes!

All in all, we had a really great time and I recommend this farm if you're in the DFW area, even if you don't have children! FUN TIMEs :o)

Friday, November 20, 2009


The weekend is here and gee whiz, am I thankful! My brain has been all sorts of screwed up this week. There must be something in the hot chocolate I've been drinking? With a mixed up head, I've had blog-block and thanks to a lovely reader looking for me on Friendster, I was reminded of this photo:

I do have some better pictures coming up this weekend, so look out! Thursday, I took a field trip with my fourth grade class and tonight (Friday), I'm going to an INTERNATIONAL STRIP OFF! teehee

Have a good weekend & stay outta trouble :o)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I Could Look Better :/

There I was sitting at my desk, surfing the web, fake rat in hand when some young sap walked into my office, confused about which door to enter. He began with some sort of spiel about Gold’s Gym, working out, trial memberships, blah, blah, blah. I told the fella, I wasn’t interested in a membership, but thanks. -You gotta give it to these door to door folks. This is something I could never do in a million years; I don’t have the fortitude. My tail would remain permanently fixed between my legs- THEN he started telling how I could look better and didn’t I want to look better!? “I already look good”, was my response. By the way, this jerk was wearing white dress shoes.

Ah, and this reminded of a situation that played out four or so years ago…with another Gold’s Gym person.

I was working another shitty customer service job, had recently called things off with a young man I had previously agreed to marry and for some reason decided I should date around, keeping an open mind. I hate dating.

There was this rumor going around at the time and for all I know could still be buzzing around; someone(s) claimed I have “commitment issues”. Yeah, Mom was in on it, too. Let me clarify things, not that justification is needed. I’m willing to bend and have a high tolerance, but I can only do/handle so much before I have to bounce. The committing isn’t the problem, it’s compatibility.

Anyway, like I was trying to say until I got side tracked by one of my hot button issues :)

There was this Gold’s Gym promo guy buzzing around my office and somehow, he suckered me into a date, although I’m not the biggest fan of red heads. Remember, I was being open-minded!
The putz didn’t even pick me up; instead, I met him at this house to watch a movie. Mind you, this was when I was still naïve in thinking watching a movie was, well, watching a movie. How was I supposed to know “watching a movie” translates into “you’re gonna come over and I’m going to ravage you like the hot piece of ass you are”? None of this went on, so let’s move on.

At his house, he proceeded to impress me with his H2O consumption. Yeah, one of those, “I drink 50 gallons of water a day, cook solely on the Foreman and don’t eat past 7 PM” dick heads. Needless to say, he had no Pepsi on hand.

To make a long story short, I spent the evening sitting on the most uncomfortable couch ever, watching a lousy movie, bottle of water in hand. This is was first and final date.

I am thankful this translation wasn't necessary for this one and there is no point to this story, except that I could look better....

Friday, November 13, 2009


Last weekend Dallas weather was beautiful and I had the opportunity to help a friend with a photography class she's taking. Here are the results:

Another girl, SW, did an amazing job with my curls and make-up. Kudos to her for her patience with my "things touching eye" quirk and lack of apparent enthusiasm at the results. I'm a simple gal, not used to all this fussiness :D

stupid cold, growing old

Thursday night's antics have left me basically bedridden. I have a terrible cold or something- I'm learning towards strep throat, throw in $1 drinks with the girls at an old haunt and you have trouble.

I started to feel a tad bit better yesterday and took advantage of the slightly improving health, but took it a little too far by breathing second hand smoke, trying to talk over blaring music and getting too little sleep. However, a night on the town was well worth it since I was getting stir crazy.

Last night has made me think
about growing older and possibly wiser. I have more fun inching closer to 30
than I ever did in my "prime". I'm much more at ease with myself, care less
about what others think and generally enjoy being me, imperfections, quirks and

I get a kick out of watching the
younger crowd and it's dynamics, remembering how I was in my early 20's. Back
then, going out was just as imperative as a job. I was a slave to my cell phone,
fun and getting ready. Now, when I head out, it's purely about good times with
good people, not drinking and superficial interactions.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A How-To on Hooking a Hottie

Online, I see ads about getting “ripped in four weeks” and am outright amazed and feverishly plotting my debut onto the dating scene, which I will now have to tack on an additional month. I graciously thank the Lord for my patience.

These days, who needs Rohypnol to get a date!? Here’s the real deal, step-by-step:
  • Find member of desired sex, meeting personality & height qualifications- looks inconsequential.

  • Chat up & win over with your absolute charm.

  • Initiate date.

  • Borrow Voodoo books from local library and/or learn hypnotism.

  • Begin slipping herbs into beverages and/or foods.

  • Keep using Voodoo/hypnotism for weeks 1 & 2.

  • Slowly introduce relationship to friends & family by mid-week 3.

  • Totally infatuated “RIPPED” arm candy by week 4.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Kreativ Blogger

Look at what sweet, sweetie Mika gave me:Yeah, I know:) Keeping with tradition I MUST:

Tell 7 things that you don't already know about me.
Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
Thank the person who gave you the award.
  1. I'm a lefty when I want to be.
  2. I bite my lips & the inside of my mouth when I'm stressed out or nervous. I also secretly shop, but I'm not sure just how secret this is and feel terribly guilty.
  3. I enjoy being alone, but need more attention than I let on and worry I'll be a spinster.
  4. I want to perform in musicals.
  5. I'm really excited to be a teacher and at the same time feel like I'm selling myself short.
  6. I'm always planning hypothetical parties.
  7. I love eating in bed.

I'm far too tired (and sick!) to deliver on the rest of my award obligations. Give me some time, please?

Thanks again for thinking about me, Mika :)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

“Women wear bras for a variety of purposes, for support, to improve the shape of breasts, to reduce or to enlarge the perceived breast size, or to restrain
breast movement during an activity such as during
exercise, to enhance their cleavage, to facilitate nursing.
Most bras are designed to lift the breasts off the chest wall if they sag and to
restrain them from movement. Bra designers strive to produce a garment that is
both practical and attractive”

Being a not so well endowed female can present some problems when you aren’t comfortable with what you’re working with. Fortunately, there’s a bevy of brassieres to keep the boobs on the up and up, but the booty? Not so much out there for the derriere.

I’ve never been concerned with my backside; I’ve got a little bit of something everywhere there should be something. I’m content. Heck, I’m okay with non-padded brassieres; the downfall, constant nippage, no bueno. Standing at attention at all times isn’t cute. Either way, a padded brassiere is wholly common and in my opinion, completely necessary for overall presentation, but what I stumbled across this morning is a whole other story that got me thinking:

The Butt Booster

Now, it’s not like I’ve never seen such a pair of underpants, the thing is I put some thought into the concept and let me tell you, the cons definitely outweigh the pros.

Scenario #1: You get dressed up, you’re looking hot, you have a little booty now thanks to your “Butt Booster” and then…wedgie! How does that one work out? Can you imagine the back of your dress crumpled up on one side?

Scenario #2: Impromptu hook-up. So, you’ve roped a hot, handsome, hunk (with your luck he’s probably an ass man) and then he tries taking off your “Butt Booster”. Dead on the spot, I’d imagine, which leads to…

Scenario #3: During said impromptu hook-up, you dash out of the room to remove your “Butt Booster” so you don’t get busted, leaving said hot, handsome, hunk entirely confused about your Harry Houdini escapologist behavior; first the disappearance of you and then your reappearance without any booty.

Scenario #4: A serious case of swamp ass thanks to the padding in your “Butt Booster”.

Seriously, I don't know what to make of the Booster, but it does remind me of a song loved and long forgotten:

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's late, but so what...I was moving.

Christmas before Halloween & Thanksgiving?

I was remembered by a random Asian couple...Here's 1/2 of the pair
In the words of my favorite gay, Christan Siriano, "Fierce"

That's what that is about
Asked for a pic & got more than I bargained for!

I spent the night chasing Asian lesbo's. I had good reason.

On a quest for the "Disco Stick"

Relatively tame Wild Things

I quit eons ago-How'd I get this cigarette in my hand!?

Christmas wasn't all that

Typical self portrait

A regular, old bad ass

Tried to use my duster as a "presto, change-o, be straight-o"- FAIL

The A Team tried changing orientation by pure force!

What the heck?


This fella is on of my 09 favs

The A Team hanging in your local gayborhood Kroger

The N acting up in my lonely, mostly empty, depressing apartment

Trying to sex up the Crocs. Maids need comfy shoes, right?