100% Out of The Loop

A certain somebody has mentioned I have "strolled in" during crisis :) Welp, let me set the record straight to half-assedly defend my whereabouts.

Am I still lugging that pretty diamond on my bony, brown finger? -No.
Does sleeping on The Moms' couch blow? -Yes.
Do I feel sad? -Yes.
Am I in crisis? -Hardly!

If I were truly blogging in crisis, I would've been typing up a storm last August when I did not get hired anywhere, when I had no idea how I'd ever pay anything, when people started taking things away, like my car, when I continually questioned when or if a date would be set. Oh my god, talk about the pits and I don't think I've ever been so sad in my life.

Gosh, things were shit.

But here's some news...hold onto your hat, okay?

I did NOT have internet when living with The Former (how I forgot my password). Swear it! I think I was the only 30 year old American with a permanent residence, without. Really. I had the lady at ATT in hysterics when I explained I had no internet or cable, not even a converter box to watch local channels.

Thank you for coming back!!! Catch me up.

bleh, meh, sheh

I'm bummed I have nothing exciting to write about, so I'm just going to go ahead with this anyway.

I feel incredibly frustrated I have no job; not a teaching job, just any old job to get my broke ass through the summer. Life with The Moms has been okay, but I'm ready to bounce. They're major cock blocks...not that the love life has been all that hot to begin with.

By the way, this weekend I was introduced something like so: "This is my friend, Stephanie", which nearly killed me. Well not really killed, just a tad hurt. Why couldn't I be "This is Stephanie", instead of "friend, Stephanie". Thanks, DLC :/

Oh, I'm such a liar, I did have some excitement recently! I had an interview!
I don't know what to make of the situation. It was a pre-screening interview, which will hopefully lead to "the real deal, let's give Steph a job in the fall" sorta thing. Good Lord, one can only hope.

On a sour note, The Mom's are headed to Florida and then cruising to the Bahamas...lucky cock blocks!

New Take on Dating

Remember, way back...not so long ago? Yeah, that's exactly what I meant to say. Yes, back when I was dating up a storm, sometimes double and triple booking? Good grief, it was fun, dysfunctional, discouraging and did I say fun?

For all intents and purposes you could honestly say my milkshake was bringing all the boys to the yard. Alas, I've given up my date-a-holic behavior and went as far as clearing out my mental queue of menfolk.

****SIDE NOTE: totally forgot to mention I dated an ex-male stripper in early March. How in the dickens did I forget to tell anyone!?****

Amongst, the '09/10 Date-Fest is when we ran into DLC...Surely you remember him! He's still around and I still like him. Sometimes I feel sure he likes me, and then other times I wonder if we have mutual feelings.

It's scary to wonder if he does indeed like me and see potential, and it's far easier to dole out the undeniably awkward charm to "leave an extra candle burning just in case one goes out", like my good friend told me to do. I can't play the games involved; I simply don't have it in me to deal with the kind of stuff like the message copied & pasted below, even though it's hilariously funny and we LOVE it:

"Hey hi....I do believe your profile fits your photos very well which is okay. You do seem to have a lot of positive energy about you. And you sure do take very nice pictures. If i would have been around you the day that you were wearing that outfit in photo 14 you would have had my complete attention all day long you have very very nice legs. I know i am a leg man and i would have been trying very hard not to stare at your lovely legs if I had been with you that day(oh and i would have been trying my best to see as much as i could of you...not trying to be too forward just letting you know the facts). Oh and i am not saying that your physical appearance is everything it's not...there's a lot more to you than just your legs....i think i will take another look at photo 14...well perhaps a couple of looks!!"

I'm F-ing Inconsistant *Here's Yet Another Update*

• I, Steph, finally won a give away hosted by Alissa and feel like a total bad ass as a result. However, I lost another contest, an "ugly photo" contest, held by Mel. I guess I should be honored my photo wasn't the worst, but I'm not and to be honest, the winner is much more deserving. I love her ugly mug! -Shout out to the Pro-Steph Voters *WOOT WOOT* :)
• Got a totally rad (and silly) manicure. I typically get phony nails or a French manicure, but not this time around! I got Easter/Birthday nails:

• Had a birthday April 5th, but kind of celebrated on the 3rd @ Pete's Piano in Addison. I complained all last week about having to share the spotlight with Jesus since Easter Sunday fell during Birthday Weekend '10. I can only hope God has a sense of humor.

• Was pulled over by the police for the 2nd time in my 28.99 years while on my way to my university to make a major purchase. Thank you Hurst police for adding to my stress....it's not like I can see my tail light; after all it is behind me. Anyway, my cap and gown has been purchased for graduation and my body is about to shut down in a few weeks. *Graduating Magna Cum Laude bitches* Oh, speaking of bitches I would've been Summa Cum Laude had I not missed one, single, solitary day of class, which lowered my overall grade in that class to a B.
  
• Haven't been on any dates. Yes, my serial dating has come to an end; at least for now. I don't know when or if it's going to pick up again. Gosh, did I really just lose some readers!? I know this is crazy, but I'm still hanging out with DLC. I even ditched the one I was going to hold in my dating queue. Nuts, right?

• Just days away from taking the last test before I can apply to The State Board of Education for teacher certification. I'm a gosh darn wreck, y'all!

Enjoy this short vid-The first stage strutter is a 67 year old lady also celebrating her birth @ Pete's Piano. They paid $100.00 to hear Pussy Control.

Giggle Fits from stephanie on Vimeo.

What, What?

Let me get you up to speed…A whole lot has happened and not happened in the last six days:

• Went on dates with 2 new guys (Date Guy number one, let’s call him DLC, as in doesn’t like candy. WTF, right? And, I’ll call the Date Guy number 2 Urban Cowboy, not to be confused with my previously mentioned favorite mistake, P.C)
• Experienced a freak snow storm after a 75 degree day
• Spring Break ended
• Went back to work
• Haven’t consistently slept in my bed

I realize this is a lot for one post, no worries; I’ll keep you abreast of only critical points.

Friday, was an awesomely warm spring day of about 75 degrees, and there was a date lined up with DLC. We met, I ate, and we both had 1 Coke and 1 alcohol drink. Two lame asses in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Somehow I ended up going to his house Saturday morning to watch movies.
*I always say never agree to “watch a movie” because ultimately it means he wants to see your vagina* He seemed to be on the up and up, so like I said, I went and F.Y.I., there was no vagina watching.

Saturday evening, I met U.C. at Starbucks for coffee. This is when the freak snow storm began. Good God, he’s gorgeous and kind! I’ve decided to keep him in my queue. Is that bad?

Okay, here’s where things get weird.

Sunday, I went back to DLC’s house and spent the night and, no there wasn’t any “movie watching” going on you perverts. I’ve become a serial dater, not hooker. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday night at his house, as well.

Summing up the situation, Facebook Msging with a friend not really named Roger:
19:53Stephanie
theres a weird sort of connection
its terrifying
and quick
and seems so natural and unnatural at the same time
i cant work it out in my mind

19:53 Roger
step back and get a little clinical, k

I wholly agree with the friend. Things are excellent, but incredibly too fast. I definitely don't want to jump into anything even though I sort of have by spending so much time with DLC. He's cute, nerdy, tells horribly long jokes and so, so nice. I feel like myself around him.

Things are so much easier when the men are jerks!

Enough. Take a mental vacation and enjoy this video because I haven't any good pics to offer. I'm posting this vid not only because I thoroughly enjoy this song, which is stuck on repeat in my head, but for a bloggy friend :) -okay!

Fan of Not the Oxygen on Facebook?/ St. Pat's

If you’re a fan of my blog on Facebook then you already have a general idea of what’s going down in StephLand regarding the date and the mid-week holiday.

A second date has yet to pan out with the most recent Tuesday night guy. I appreciate all the crossing y’all did, but clearly you didn’t cross good enough.

No, I shouldn’t be ugly to you, friends. Y’all are great, great people who really know what’s up. Again, thanks for your help. It’s not you’re fault this guy sucks at making smart decisions.

I always say, "Never trust a guy in white sneakers", but I must also add "Never trust a guy with a faux hawk" to my list as well. Seriously, ladies!

Wednesday night, St. Pat’s Day, I went to a local bar, however not the local bar intended because they were charging cover and babes are broke these days.

St. Pat, St. Pat, you aren’t much of a Saint...You made me stay up late boozing, which resulted in a case of bubble guts in the morning. That was so not nice! You also sought out a handful of semi-English speaking men to follow my friends and me around the bar, totally messing up what little game I do have. Wait, I don’t like bar men. Either way, the game was screwed thanks to these guys.

Had fun though!

Ok, one last thing. I had, had, had to add this youtube video. I'm such a child.

Cross 'Em

I tried to withhold information for fear of jinxing myself. We all know I don’t have the Luck (of the Irish) when it comes to finding a suitable suitor to rope. I’m diffident about this revelation, guys, I really am.

Ok, I’ll shut up already and break the news; I went on a date. I know you’re thinking, “Big deal, what else is new?”, but let me say what’s new is I’ve run across another one I’d like to see again. That’s why there's such an immense amount of fear in sharing this. It’s very rare I admit interest, makes me feel entirely too vulnerable.

I’ve got heaps of questions buzzing through my head:
Will he call?
Does he want to see me again?
Was I enough of myself to charm the pants off of him?
What are this guy’s intentions?
Is he going to turn into a rude asshole like The Short Russian a.k.a Hot Lips?
Could I really date a guy with brown eyes?
When is he going to call me?
Is this going to be like the Crush Not Reciprocated?
Will he hang out with me another time, get wasted, try to mug down in public while talking in pout-y, baby voices, and then tell me about his prior experience with three-somes and ask me to put my hand on ‘it’?
Did he call me yet!? (yes, I realize it's mid-day Wednesday :P )

image

Date #4 of the Week

I came home from Saturday night’s date, kicked back with my What A Burger taquitos and chatted up ScoMan on Facebook. After telling him how my night went down, he said something along the lines of he’s happy for me as a friend, but bored as a reader, so let me warn you, this may be boring.

Dating 4 different dudes in a week is exhausting.

I was somewhat excited to go out with this guy. He looked like Gym (yes, another made up name. One of The Moms came up with the moniker), only taller. Lord, I love men around my height, but the option of heels is always nice to have which isn’t quite possible if he’s 5’7 or 5’8. It seems like there’s always some sort of trade off; either the man is a total hot bod with a receding hairline or has a full, thick head of hair and a less than amazing body. Why can’t I find a happy medium!? Anyway, I’m losing you; let me get back to it.

Ok yeah, he’s cute and super, duper flipping polite. I was completely prepared for the worst, had my wall up and he ending up being a nice guy. Totally has his date etiquette in order. What the hell, right? Talked a whole lot, he actually rang me, instead of texting everything, opened doors, gave his sweater, walked on the proper side of me, didn’t attempt to ram his tongue down my throat/“mug down”, and here’s the kicker. Get ready, Friends…He sent a text asking if I made it home o.k.

The text did it for me; SOLD!

Seriously, I didn’t know how to act. Then, I felt kind of f’ed up because I’m thinking how I’ve been looking forward to a normal, decent date and then BANG! it happens and I become a clueless, silent, mess of a nerd.

I’ve become incredibly accustomed to handling myself in socially awkward situations. Isn’t this a sad state of affairs!? I gotta tell y’all, I’m tired.

P.S.

I'm not counting on any second dates with this one.

And, we watched Alice in Wonderland. I say, not

the greatest of movies, but visually awesome.

Got the image from Google.com

Why Me?

image

"How old is he? Does he have a cute butt?"

These words were spoken by my recently turned 14 year old cousin upon hearing I had a date last night. Odd.

He is 31 and I wasn’t even concerned with his butt. Okay, I did take a quick peek and welp…nada. Jeepers, cousin’s question provided a great pseudonym for this most recent internet dating victim; Saggy Britches!

Fuck. (Pardon the French)

I will start by describing this date by saying the fella is photogenic, in person, not so much; a little too red headed, pale, and fashion challenged. I can’t date another fashionably challenged man. God help me!? I have my hot mess moments, but nuh uh, not again.

For all intents and purposes, he’s a likeable guy, just not romantically/physically my type. I did get some awesome cheese fries out of the deal and decent conversation. The night wasn’t a total wash.

Here’s the doozy though, the good stuff. The-OMG-why’d-you-just-tell-me-that-but-thanks-for- telling-me-that moment.

Let me back up, paint you a picture.

While talking and what not, a woman approaches, introduces herself to me and proceeds to talk to Saggy Britches for awhile. No big deal. She leaves and he tells me they used to date, still no big deal. The big deal came a tad later.

During the course of conversation The Moms come up and naturally, he asked the typical male question to which I answered how interacting with The Vagina makes me queasy, etc. He told me how the woman I’d just met that he used to date likes the ladies. Still, no big deal.

The doozy came when he said something along the lines of, “Yeah, So & So likes to fuck chicks” and how they had three-somes throughout their relationship.

The End!

Smile

Just Like Britney, Ooops!

I went back to where I didn’t want to go; the country.

Just what does that mean you ask? Well, there’s this guy, who for all intents and purposes I will refer to as PC, as in Pure Country, and well, he lives in the country, hence the moniker. He’s been in the picture for awhile, becoming a more dominant figure around the holidays, but I’ve opted to keep this to myself.

PC is completely “Mr. Wrong” for a number of reasons, annoying as all heck yet somewhat comical. I vowed I’d stop venturing beyond the city limit sign…

My bestie, The N, said she learned from Sex & the City, PC is the type of guy you let go of for the next girl to enjoy. I would, but I’m greedy.

Here’s how it all went down:

I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks and had been on some dates with other guys, which made me decide to put dating on hold altogether causing me to think I wasn’t going to date, but rather focus on all the mumbo jumbo I’ve got going on, but naturally I retrogressed. Surely, you already knew this was going to happen.

As I was leaving work, I received a text from PC, a stupid, annoying text that pissed me off, especially since Parking-Lot-Blow-Job had text-ed just a few days prior. I thought, “Why are these jerk-offs bugging me?” And then I thought some more and this is where I fluffed up- PC is a jerk, but a familiar jerk; a sexy, familiar jerk.

Sexting ensued.

I found myself back at his house, sitting on his couch, drinking from the same bottle of wine I’d left over there weeks ago, smoking Marlboro cigarettes and eating pizza, while he was beside me, massaging my feet, watching some crap sitcom and continuously glancing at me, making his stupid disbelief faces because I wasn’t laughing at the show. Oh, I hate his stupid scrunched up faces!

Clearly, separation hadn’t thrown off our typical routine.

The Crush...

short lived. not reciprocated.

One Last One!

Ok, so I said I wasn’t going to do it, but I’m going to do it. I’ve got about 1 hour and 15 minutes to kill before Mommy feeds me dinner. I flat out don’t feel like doing shit. (Yes, I live with my dang mother(s). Yes, I have no paying job. And, yes, I have a lingering cold. Yes, I have heaps of work and planning to accomplish. Yes, I’m sick of the god damned winter. Lastly, YES, I’m extremely frustrated and near a state of depression. Whoa, did all that really come out just now? Totally irrelevant info, my apologies.)

*pulling myself back together*

My Facebook friends are already hip to some of this, but there are you that aren’t, so I’ll share since I miss y’all and heaven forbid you forget your Little Ol’ Stephie Poo.

I’ve recently developed horrendous eating habits, which cause me to drive myself to the same gas station every morning for a 20 ounce styrofoam cup of their delicious Coke-A-Cola. (Lately, I’ve upgraded to a 32oz, Ooops! Not so much irrelevant this time around, but embarrassing)

Not only does this particular station have the tastiest fountain Coke, there’s a particular gentleman (a fellow regular customer) I’ve made my “make-believe-boyfriend-that-I-make-love-to-every-morning-with-my-eyes-because-he’s-not-really-my-boyfriend-and-I-can’t-really-touch-him-without-breaking-the-law-and-I’m-not-really-crazy-but-he’s-super-hot-and-I-have-this-strange-feeling-he-is-also-eye-fucking-me-and-probably-one-day-will-want-to-marry-me”. HAA! That’s sick!

Beside soft drinks, I’ve also been known to go for a bit of candy in the morning. One cold as usual morning, I asked the clerk where the Nutty Bars are kept. After he pointed to the assumed location where I happened upon nothing of the sort, I said, “Oh crap. Y’all don’t have Nutty Bars. Man! I really wanted a Nutty Bar this morning”.

The clerk kept saying something and I kept on asking him what he was saying, and finally his voice rose loud enough for me to hear him say, “I said, I’m a little nutty and I get off of work in 37 minutes”.

Fuck.

Now, that’s been a few weeks ago and he’s been fairly normal since; normal until this morning.

I filled my 32 ounce cup full of that delicious Coke and set it on the counter, telling the “nutty” clerk I had to first grab one more item for my snack.

Again, he mumbled words I was unable to hear. Apparently, I “make him naughty and have funny thoughts”, which were brought about by his suggestion of me having a sausage biscuit for breakfast.

Creepy, I know, although hysterically funny when I enter my car and rewind the events. What a freak!

Honestly though, this is the type of guy I attract. His type is wholly why I resorted to online dating. By the way, I’ve given up on the WWW as of yesterday. I will be meeting no one else. At least, I'm not planning on doing so.

piss

Today is Monday and I don’t know what to do with myself. With so much to look forward to, I was feeling pretty good and antsy about this week:

Monday: Regular school day, mac n’ cheese in the cafeteria, and 1 month closer to finishing my residency.
Tuesday: Very busy carrying out plans in the classroom and staying for after school tutoring.
Wednesday: Dinner with weekend man number two.
Thursday: Sleeping in, enjoyable breakfast, and spending the day at the university. Night outing is a total possibility.
Friday: 1st grade field trip, Dallas Burlesque Festival with the birthday girl mentioned in this post and those A sisters.
Saturday: Baby shower and whatever the hell else I feel like doing!
Sunday: Continuation of whatever the hell else I feel like doing!

Yeah, sounds good, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought until I ventured to the other side of the school to discuss the upcoming field trip. See, this isn’t just any old field trip; it’s The Field Trip of field trips! It’s the flipping Ft. Worth Stock Show! And, this lady fucking forgot about me tagging along, but says I should still be able to go since I’m faculty. Man, I hope this pans out because I’ve had my little chocolate heart set on this trip. I mean it’s the stock show for Christ’s sake; do you know what that means to me? I’ve already told you folks I want a stinking brown cow. I looove livestock! I also love those little first graders. Boo Hoo!

On the upside, ‘cause there always is one…

You already know, or are in the process of figuring out I’m a bit spaztastic. You long timers know how I feel about the Baskin Robbins Ice Cream & Cake commercial and how I think it’s the greatest. Welp y’all, they’ve got a Valentine’s edition.

BEHOLD, loves!

LOVE HORRORS IV: How To Get Over a Cheating Boyfriend

This Sunday’s Love Horror comes from one of my dearest dears, Arnetta, at This May Sound Crazy, But… I truly love her blog and have been faithfully following since the beginning of time. Hmm, that’s a lie, but you know I mean it’s been a long time; pretty much as long as I’ve been using Blogger. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the story and when you’re done, go on over and visit with her for a bit:

Ever since Steffy (yes, we're on a nick-name basis like that, son!) mentioned that she wanted to feature love horror stories, I've been racking my brain, attempting to post a story that is appropriate for this blog. All of my stories, although funny and entertaining, are a little too . . . how do you say? . . . disturbing for the light-hearted blog that my dear Stephanie hosts. Now the story that I am about to tell definitely has its disturbing moments, but it's all I got so try to be entertained dammit.

About 4 years ago, I was dating a guy who was cheating on me. It was really bad and I sooo wanted to believe that he wasn't (because I was in love with him), but it was hard to ignore anymore and one day after going through his luggage helping him pack for a trip to Miami Florida to a "visit his family," I found a bunch of condoms in his bag (and by "a bunch," I mean, A LOT. Like 30 or 40) and decided to call it quits. Being the passive aggressive person that I was, I didn't confront him about it. I knew he would lie about it and I don't like to argue with people so instead, I just removed all of the condoms and drove him to the airport. From that point on, I decided that I was a free woman.

That particular night, I had to work as a field producer for a live televised event (that took place at a museum). It was the opening of a new exhibit and there was drinks being served and a bunch of rich people enjoying dinner in an extravagant ball room. Now, it is not unusual for the television folk (who don't have to operate equipment) to take part in the festivities after the broadcast is over. So, as soon as the reporter signed off, I headed for the bar in an attempt to drink my problems away. I sat and talked with one of the interns (who happened to be a very attractive young lady that I worked with on other projects). She was telling me about her cheating boyfriend (which made me even more depressed because I thought to myself, who would cheat on HER?!) We toasted our drinks and shared our tales of woe as the other guys from the crew kept the drinks flowing in our direction. It's important for you to know, that I am a light-weight. I can barely drink one glass of wine before I'm seeing double, laughing too hard and talking too loud. Despite my disability, every time I looked up another glass of wine seemed to magically appear in my hand and before you know it, I had about 3 glasses of wine and was tore up from the floor up, telling everyone about my broken heart.

Now, before you jump to any conclusions...this is not a "swinging from the chandelier" story. I didn't make out with anyone from work or make a fool out of myself in front of the Production Manager at my job...and for the record, he was drunk too, lol. I was three sheets to the wind but for some odd reason, I was able to walk with a "sober swagger." So I went with my drinking buddy "the intern" (who was doing just dandy after god-knows-how-many drinks) to the front entrance to be taken to our cars by a good friend (who was also one of the crew guys). As we waited outside in the cold, my "swagger" wore off and I descended to the curb where I sat, hunched over, leaned up against a light post. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was on a whirl-o-wheel. Finally, the crew guy (let's call him "Bob") drove his car around and we hopped in. It was obvious that I would not be able to drive home so after Bob dropped off the intern, he drove me to a hotel. (I lived an hour away and he didn't know what else to do, I guess). Now, I was completely drunk at the time, so I don't remember much but I do remember him paying for the room, leading me to my door and leaving. The next day, Bob picked me up for work and we had a good laugh about the whole thing and life went on as if nothing happened.

Okay here's where the story gets interesting. Bob has a wife. A very...crazy caring wife. And while going through his bills, she noticed that he'd used his frequent flier miles to pay for a hotel room. And she did as any suspicious wife would do and questioned Bob about it. And Bob did what any scared husband would do and denied, denied and lied. I think he said that he used the hotel for himself or something to that effect. Of course, she wasn't buying it so he told her the truth. His (female) coworker got drunk at an event and he took out a room for her. Then, as the French would say...the shit hit the fan. Bob's wife came storming up to the job looking for me. The guards had to hold her back from coming inside and attempting to kick my ass talk to me. She called me a bunch of times while I was working and at one point she had me paged over the intercom (I knew it was her because she always pronounced my last name wrong, and so the secretaries repeated the same wrong pronunciation whenever they would page me). At one point, I talked to her and explained to her what happened and it seemed to appease her at the time but for months I continued to get paged.

I was the "precautionary tale" of the office, the center of all gossip and the most talked about person at my job for the next couple months. When I think back to the chain of events stemming from that night, I realize that breaking up with my ex was definitely the easy part.

The moral of the story folks . . . The quickest way to get over a cheating ex-boyfriend is to have a BIGGER and WORSTER problem to worry about. Oh, and don't drink and drive. And yes, I know "worster" is not a word.

Arnetta Green

Double Whammy!

I’ll be damned if I didn’t have another date; a totally unexpected, spur of the moment date with another online suitor. This one has been lurking for awhile now…

He suggested we meet at BJ’s for dinner. Of course, my mind reverted to perversion and the memory of some creep trying to get me to blow him in a bar parking lot.

All giggles, I told the moms, “We’re going to BJ’s, hope he’s not expecting one!”

Ok, so there were no blow jobs in the parking lot, but I did get a good laugh later in the evening when he told me he tried to think of a casual place, but then realized the innuendo that could be derived from the restaurants name. Thus, I pulled out my cell phone showing him the text I’d sent to my mother while he stepped away to use the restroom:

“10:59pm Sat, Jan 30
To: Mom

Still at bj’s, hasn’t asked for one yet”

Instead of sucking the penis, I ate undercooked vegetarian pizza, had a few drinks and talked a whole bunch. It was great, better than any blow job I’ve ever given! (that’s sort of joke, y’all)

Definitely, our outing was a pleasant surprise. I was pleased to be out with another perfect gentleman who’s down with the swirl. (OMG the 1st pic wikipedia link cracked me up!)

Yes, Friday night was good, but Saturday night was way better!

image

The Date! (finally a decent one)

G’day friends! I say, “G’day” in the “Hello” sense, not the “Australian, Scoman G’day, as in see you later sorta way”. Uh, shout out to my friend Scotty….Hey Scott!

Moving on…

I know the online dating antics brought a lot of you over and then the antics fell off because frankly the whole thing grew old and annoying. It’s not like I was trying to deprive y’all. Dang! Well, let’s get back to the dating stuff for a minute because your ol’ pal, Steph had a dizz-ate last night- woot, woot.

See, it went down kind of by accident; I had all, but given up on dating and was browsing profiles for kicks. Y’all know some of them are funny. I randomly messaged a decent looking fella with a legitimate question regarding his profile and a little messaging ensued. Actually, I was caught off guard when he sent his number my way, but yep, that’s how this date came about.

We met at Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar in Addison that’s Dallas area for you non-DF Dub-ers, parked, paid and then went to a greasy burger joint below the bar. Yum, but I had to cut the burger short because of the greasiness; thought that patty would make me poop and uh, that’s a no.

During the burger eating, French fry sharing fest he asked if I drink, to which I replied yes, thinking the question came a little late since he invited me to a bar and all. I did what any other gal would do and returned the question…Oh, no wonder he asked, he’s allergic to alcohol. And, hay and silk are allergens as well.

“So you can never have silk sheets?” *giggle, giggle* yeah that’s me thinking I’m funny.

*giggle, giggle* “Hey, you can’t ever go on a hay ride, can you?” later, still cracking myself up.

Well, it was established he can indeed have a few drinks, but must watch himself and if all else fails and he gets carried away, there’s an EpiPen in his car. I told him to hand over his keys, just in case. Nope.

We made our way back upstairs to conscientiously have drinks and enjoy piano dueling. All was good and nice, but after a long day at the elementary and nonstop clapping at an awards ceremony for the upper grades, I was flat pooped, unable to fully get into the true spirit of the bar. I didn’t share this sentiment for fear of being labeled a dud; however, he suggested going somewhere a little less rambunctious.

We bundled into our coats, freeing our chairs for a fresh faced couple eagerly awaiting a seat and hit the pavement. We decided what we’d do and I told him I’d only do it under the condition he didn’t try any weird shit and no, I wouldn’t leave my car with the valet and ride in his car.

Sidenote: “Don’t go to a man’s house to watch a movie. He’s only using the movie as a guise to get his penis in you” is a statement I jokingly, yet seriously maintain. I’ve also been know to tell my friends to uphold my mottos, “Never trust a guy in all white sneakers”, “Take what you can get” and “Uh, you’re not getting any younger”. Those last two usually go in tandem, but there are exceptions to every rule, especially those last two.

He seemed harmless enough, so I ventured to his house.
Really, a mild mannered, gentleman-ly guy.

We arrive at his house to watch a comedy, All About Steve, and then onto some big head, Steven Segal movie. During the movie watching, we talked and he shared his "story" and of course I divulged nothing because that’s just maladjusted me.

During this chat, I find he’s divorced, which I think I knew ahead of time, but forgot and then was reminded. He’s been without the wife for 3 months. I’m the first date since a Christmas date with a supposed semi-whack job. Yikes.

As the hours passed, I asked if it would be ok if I were to sleep on the couch because I was far too tired to figure my way back home. I slept over on his L shaped couch. Me on one section and he on the other, both of us fully clothed. There was no kissing, hand holding, no touching what so ever. I was completely relieved he didn’t “try any weird shit” as I had warned earlier.

At 6AM, my alarm sounded like usual. Too tired to fully wake, I laid there with my eyes closed.

“Is it alright if I lay beside you?”

“Yes.”

We lay there on the couch, with him holding me and my arm entwined in his.

Yeah, eventually we locked lips a bit after we brushed out teeth, which was swiftly interrupted when I heard the voice on the TV say, "I got kicked out of Boy Scouts for eating Brownies". Really, how could I not laugh? Stupid Segal movies.

I scrammed out of there and went home. He let me follow him out of his neighborhood and then onto the highway, where we parted ways.

The End.

p.s.
I tried really hard not to do anything socially awkward and/or inappropriate. I mostly passed with flying colors ;)

I'd probably hang out with him again. He's okay. We will see. Keep ya posted!

Love Horrors! Part I

After becoming single in late 2009, as you all know, I decided to jump into this online dating thing without reservations only to find a bunch of nonsensical messages in my inbox. Bummer.
With Valentine’s approach and having no luck in making a “love connection” of my own, I thought it would be a great, marvelous idea to hear the horrific, mortifying, and/or laugh out loud stories of others. Not only does misery love company, what use is living if you can’t get a good giggle going at your own expense? With that said…..

First up is our friend, Michelle @ Desultory Diversions!

A little background on me: I am inherently mistrustful of people, especially men on the internet. I Google the hell out of any guy I’m interested in before deciding to meet him in person, if it even gets that far!

I met a guy on a dating website a couple weeks after my ex and I broke up. At the time, I was more interested in random hookups than a relationship, but stating that brings creeps by the truckloads. One normal guy managed to slip in with the barrage of crazy in my inbox. He was nice, funny and cute so I responded... and visited my best friend, Google.

He'd put his AIM screen name in his profile, which was enough to get me started. My quick search brought up no flags, and he continued to be charming.

We decided to go out for dinner after work, which turned into him coming over for leftover sushi (yeah, I’m a cheap date). Date night: we ate, talked and fooled around.

My roommate got home just as he was leaving. Roomie and I discussed the date and reviewed his online persona together. We stumbled across a page I hadn't seen before, and a flag went up. Small flag, so I let it go... for a day.

I Re-Googled (is that a word yet?) the info I had and then Googled all the new stuff. I wound up with two subtly different sets of information. Rather than completely freak out, I asked him about it. I was totally upfront about my internet stalking and concerns it raised... which freaked him out.

Turns out he'd been seriously stalked by an ex. He'd purposely changed some of his information and deleted (or so he thought) certain profiles so she couldn't find him. My curiosity (crazy lack of trust, whatever) triggered his "run in the opposite direction quickly" instincts, while I was only trying to protect myself. He understood where I was coming from, but was still shaken (which I understood and respected). We put the breaks on the whole thing so he could sort through his shit....

I haven't heard from him since.

Moral of the story: Don't tell your dates about your Google addiction!

Ah, a socially awkward situation frightening off a memeber of the opposite sex, how familiar this is to me! Do you have a similar story? Who did you freak out? ....Please share,comment :)

The Lazy, Honest Scrap

It appears I’m not dateable in the online world. I mean, for real, there has been no luck what so ever! Even the weird guys have fallen off the map...for the most part. How can this be? Okay, don’t tell me because I’ll be the first to admit I can’t handle the truth.

And since I’m on the subject of truth, let me offer you 10 Steph Factoids because my brother form another mother (and father), http://mykafkaesquelife.blogspot.com/, tagged moi! My pit hair took an eternity to sprout. There was no real necessity to shave the pits until I reached my late teens/early twenties. At 28 and a little more than a half, I only have 1 armpit in need of routine shaving; the left armpit hair has yet to really grow.

I saw Cabaret at the local community college and knew then and there the stage had been calling upon deaf ears. Why am I such a fool? Why hadn’t I listened!? Probably because I can’t sing or dance and know I’d be a flop. I’d go for a career in stand- up as well, but I’m not that funny. Yeah, the stage...a delusional calling I often dream of.

I don’t fear pooping in public restrooms. If I gotta go, I gotta go. Hey, you asked for truths!

Between lack of TV watching and a faulty car radio, I’m totally unaware of any current events. It’s sort of nice to be clueless.

I know panty lines are against all rules and regulations, but thongs gross me out. Only out of necessity do I own and wear these underpants. The specifics of thong wearing is a sobering thought. That’s all I’m going to say.

Here’s a controversial one! Now, this is something I rarely, if ever discuss and when and if I do, I bite my tongue…I’m not pro-choice.

I’m a scared-y cat to the max. I avoid horror and suspense like nobodies business but strangely enough I love watching shows about real murders.

I really, really, really want to live in the country so I can buy a baby brown cow.

Whoa, this truth isn’t going to be pretty. I apologize in advance, Mother. Okay, I once had to pee soooo bad while doing the 2AM, after the bar, Whataburger taquitos sound so good trip through the drive through that I got out of the car to urinate between vehicles. Embarrassing.

This final fact is G-rated. Ya ready? I love popcorn, plain popcorn. MMMM :D

So there you have it, 10 Steph Factoids.

My Favorite.

This post is rather simple, but let me explain...

I got a message from one of the dating cites & decided to copy and paste it into my collection for potential future usage. Look:

(subject)MAY I SAY
Your the beauty in beautiful,when a man dreams of a woman,it's your face that he see's.......

Later, I read this guy's profile. That's it...he's flippin' awesome! No, not awesome like the 60 year old man posing for pics by flexing his muscles whole holding a sign which reads "Arnold". Yes, as in Schwarzenegger- no joke, y'all. But awesome as in legitimately funny. Of course he's all wrong :D Nonetheless, read this and tell me you don't smile!?

about me:Who like's doing this dating and looking thing, but we have to do, what we have to do, so maybe it will not be all that painful, maybe the right woman will just look over my page and I have to tell you, it's the page with the not so good looking picture's of me I hate taking picture's and I'm a big brother who stands 6 feet 5 and I do workout and I'm a ex-Marine ,but on camera I'm like huge!!!!! "there's that word we men like to use, lol" but maybe the woman who loves a big strong and loving real man, will just help get me off this site and into a loving relationship.

I love being creative and some what different, never have been to one, but would like to try maybe going to a wine tasting or taking a trip out of the county and not doing the tourists thing, but taking the off road path and seeing what other's have not seen or how about driving down the street on a rainy night, pulling over in front of a park and taking our clothes off and running around the park butt naked!!!!! ohh wait, not trying to get locked up, lol and yes I like playing around and joking around, so don't run away, just kidding, but I do like being creative in a good way.

So here we go!!! help make this not so painful ladies I'm looking for a sweet and oh so loving lady, one who comes with a room full of love, for the right man and a woman who knows a good man when she's meet's one, please don't come at me with mind games, only games I enjoy would be a good game of cards, you don't have to cook all that well I do love cooking myself, just come in the kitchen with me and keep me company, do you like holding hands? well so do I. like seeing your one and only? well I miss you already, remember sometimes just what your looking for, is right there in front of your beautiful face and with my size how could you miss me, lol

Ok let me get off of here, have to get dressed, after all I have to pick you up for our first date, stop reading and get dressed!!!!I'm on my way. E.

See earlier today, a friend said I was making fun of males and that's so not true. I'm more or less having a good laugh at myself and my inability to rope one... a suitable suitor though, not just any old random. I honestly think this guy is sincere, although silly. I thoroughly enjoy his profile and instead of ignoring his message I may kindly respond however making it very clear I have no interest what so ever. Maybe I should refer him to blogger.com while I'm at it!

Thanks for reading guys
I'm going to get to you shortly if I haven't already :)

Oh crap, one last thing! I forgot to add this little jewel also found in his profile:

my education:Self made Millionaire...........ok, about this millionaire part......how about SELF MADE DOLLARAIRE

You're smiling, arent you?

Fe2 + O2 = Fe2O3 + heat FAIL!

To answer a question unanimously asked, yes, things really are as bleak as they appear. Clearly there hasn’t been any sort of substantial connection, this is all honesty; copied and pasted for your delight.

Now granted, there have been a few slight sparks I saved for myself and calling them sparks is by far a stretch, but I was holding out hope :/ Gosh, what’s smaller than a spark? Perhaps I can refer to these smaller than sparks as random pieces of flint happening into my lap without a piece of steel to get things sparking? Oh, for the love of science and survival skill!

So yeah, there was a date and again, this whole date thing is a stretch. The sap was late and had the nerve to show up with a friend. I had just finished quickly gulping a pineapple drink, signed my drink receipt and was about to hit the pavement when this lad shows up. (and, Lad is what I shall refer to him as since he reminded of just that, a boy)

*Side note: Remember Barf Boy wanted me to meet up with him and his friend? Is this some sort of trend I’m unfamiliar with? Aren’t we adults? Can adults not meet and hang out without a friend in tow? I hate dating and the very idea of it!
To my surprise, bringing the friend along was a great idea considering the friend was full of spunk and conversation, just like I like. On the other hand, friend is married and yuck on that!

Lad, although easy on the eyes, fell flat on the ears since he wasn’t much of a talker. He repeatedly told me I was much hotter than he imagined and 10 times skinnier. These two statements were on repeat. Yes, I'm cute and yes, I'm on the smaller side...I think most women want to hear this, but when it's all you ever hear it's not much of a compliment. I’d like to think I have the teeniest of tiniest bit of substance worth some sort of acknowledgement. Ugh.

All in all, I don't see this going anywhere worth mentioning.