not the oxygen

secret ops

2011-11-16T18:27:00.001-08:00

.A new http://www.whateveryoucallthis is in order

Seriously though, I have to figure out Blogger's changes (I'm so technologically idiotic). Between report cards, dinner and planning I've fuddled around a bit, but bleh...

A virtual move that will align with my actual move is sounding really good, yes!

The Moms' is temporary. So is this place. It's not me anymore. Well, some if it isn't. ...I think? Okay, who in the hell am I kidding?

I don't want to be found.

Onto the Next One

2011-11-12T19:18:00.001-08:00

July '10 was Eureka Springs, AR and Branson, MO with a little Choctaw(!) gambling to and fro. The subsequent trip, NYC late October '10, was scary at fist. Especially with the warning signing posted about the subway cars:

My brain was consumed with bed bug possibilities.

There were other "scary" events taking place within the subway

I offered zero dollars considering I had none to my name.

I'm always a little happy to see a bit of street performance...nonexistent in my neck of the woods unless you count the juggler hanging around Cowboys' Stadium.

And now for the thinly sliced meat of this post. While fretting over possible bed bugs at the sketch hostel we slept in, trying my damnedest to stay warm and musing over why there's a great love for Tyler Perry's movies, I made a little time to visit my uncle. I hadn't seen him in a few years and some of his work was on display in some hotel. And, duh, of course we stopped to check out what he's been up to. As any niece would do I got out my camera to aim and shoot a picture. HOLY MOLY!

I hear the words, "I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN", see a laptop slam shut, and then a flash of brown appear right in my sweet face. Apparent Lobby Looney Tune thought I was snapping his picture and proceeded to loudly school me on "this day in age with Facebook and all and taking pictures of people..." I thought this man was going to hit me. I assured him I had no interest in taking his picture and surely was not going to paste his mug on my Facebook. He insisted I hang over my camera. -Uh, no.

I didn't particularly like NYC. It was cold, fast, big and kind of lonely feeling. I did eat two damn fine bagel egg sandwiches which were consolation.

All I can say is thank god I lit that candle, even if I didn't donate, because I know my actions saved me from getting my lights knocked out by a man and that my friends would've topped the Arkansas bed bugs!

Haunting

2011-11-12T18:41:00.001-08:00

An event from while I was away:

Latest Bed Bug Reports in Eureka Springs, AR (Slightly Annotated)

2010-09-26 14:28:32
Basin Park Magnuson Grand
Eureka Springs, AR

Greeted by less than friendly staff, we were still excited to stay at the seemingly charm filled (supposedly haunted) Basin Park Hotel during our Fourth of July holiday. Yes, we had to park a great distance & the water was tricky (burn or freeze), but this was understandable considering the age of the building (1905). Nonetheless, our Fourth of July weekend was great... until we arrived home, itchy. Very itchy. (imagine feverish and uncomfortable, hot, burning flesh)

We arrived home Monday night, itchy as I said. Tuesday morning, working at my desk, I had to stealthily lift my blouse to see what causing much discomfort. Apparently I must be a very tasty (yummy) lady! I received over 100 bites, easily! My lucky ~~husband~~ suffered about 12 bites. Our bites were about the chest, back and pelvic region. It truly is an ugly situation we're still scratching through exactly one week later.

Clearly, the bed bugs must be old news to the staff at the hotel considering the amount of bites- this is no recent infestation. Fortunately after (his mom claiming to be me had) many go round with management, we were credited the amount we paid for our 2 night stay. We won't be returning. On the upside of things, despite the bug experience, our bed was supremely comfortable...best rest we've had in awhile! (A genuine baby making town. Oh, and I saw a fox!)

Feelin' & lookin' like a real scuzz bucket

2011-11-12T16:02:00.001-08:00

Me: "Hey, what's my favorite restaurant?"

Mom: "Are you on one of those lonely girl sites again?"

....Just tryna answer my bank security question

dressy

2011-11-11T22:13:00.001-08:00

I love it. Absolutely love it. Dressing up is oh so fun and usually limited to Halloween, BUT thanks to this new gig I have the option to dress up quite a bit. There was one event, the 1st grade Trick-or-Treat, I didn't catch on cam (I was a clown) - bummer.

PBS's Arthur @ the Storybook Parade

It's 50s day at school....hope they don't make me drink outta the colored fountain

Halloween '11 as Captain Kiss-A-Lot (minus all the smooching)

Lasy year when I was MIA, I was also mime-ingit up

Hoping I can pull something outta my ear for Thanksgiving!

100% Out of The Loop

2011-11-11T21:20:00.001-08:00

A certain somebody has mentioned I have "strolled in" during crisis :) Welp, let me set the record straight to half-assedly defend my whereabouts.

Am I still lugging that pretty diamond on my bony, brown finger? -No.
Does sleeping on The Moms' couch blow? -Yes.
Do I feel sad? -Yes.
Am I in crisis? -Hardly!

If I were truly blogging in crisis, I would've been typing up a storm last August when I did not get hired anywhere, when I had no idea how I'd ever pay anything, when people started taking things away, like my car, when I continually questioned when or if a date would be set. Oh my god, talk about the pits and I don't think I've ever been so sad in my life.

Gosh, things were shit.

But here's some news...hold onto your hat, okay?

I did NOT have internet when living with The Former (how I forgot my password). Swear it! I think I was the only 30 year old American with a permanent residence, without. Really. I had the lady at ATT in hysterics when I explained I had no internet or cable, not even a converter box to watch local channels.

Thank you for coming back!!! Catch me up.

Just Wait

2011-11-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

It's only a matter of time. Illness is a given when you're teaching. You are bound to get some sort of funky cold until you've "built-up" a germ-y resilience to the precious little creeps.

My darlings are hard fucking core.

Last week lice, ring worm this week.

Psst!

2011-11-07T20:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm back or at least attempting back. Things have sort of come full circle since I stopped posting or at least I think that's the right term... I have officially returned home to The Moms'. So, did I use the term correctly?

Okay, I'm at The Moms', no longer set to marry, and in school. Holy shit! And, it's the same dang blasted time of year. Yeah, holy shit, how have I managed this? Yes, yes, this is full circle, save for a few minor details. And, the details go as follows:

Love life is not flourishing or even remotely entertaining. Instead, try depressing/confusing/tiresome/on permanent hold (you pick)
School is no longer college; it is a full time, contractual teaching job (WHOOP WHOOP!)
The Moms' is still The Moms', less the younger brother that was living at home.
I am sleeping on the couch.

The minor details have details of their own. Having gained an ample amount of alone time I share prosper again in this world wide web and fill your eyeballs with the details of the details.

I miss this. I miss you.

OMG!

2011-10-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

Holy smokes folks, I just remembered my password

-Do you have any idea what this means?

guess what!?

2010-06-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I've left you in my dust. In the dark. "What the heck?" is what you're saying, right?

I got a job for the summer. God, I hope it's only for the summer. I'm scanning massive amounts of paper, unclipping an absurd amount of staples, alphabetizing an obscene amount of files and staring at birds out of a huge window, which by the way is the only bit of solace in my work day.

I can't complain though; at least I'm now employed.

So as mentioned last time, I'll update the love life...it's insanely wonderful & magical. "Who is it", you ask? Welp, it's a former classmate I came across on Facebook.com Yes, there was a post about this meeting; scroll through my posts!

Let me tell you, when I saw his little square photo on the site I knew there was no need for Match.com and he claims he walked away from our first meeting after several years "in love", which I won't debate because falling in love with me is super easy!

Anyway, to make a short story even shorter I'm totally over the moon...TO THE MAX! and we're.

Hold on.

You won't believe it.

ENGAGED!

Slow Going

2010-06-04T14:48:00.001-07:00

Hey, hey!

I'm back and not only have I returned, but I've heaps of free time, which you'd think all of the newly available time would allow me to blog manically- Not so! I've come without my usual wit and charm. See, I considered moving again, going completely anonymous, but does it really matter? Yeah, so I'm sticking around and willing myself to be regular even if my mojo is in a funk.

Without further delay here's what's up:

Below is a picture of me eating at Keller's (of course I grossly throw in photos of me) in DLC's car, the day I got the "friend" introduction at the Dallas British Car Show. Yes, things have fizzled. Golf was/is way more of priority to him which indicated he clearly wasn't that into me. After speaking with a *hold your breath* nice man I met on match.com, I came to my senses and split! By the way, the nice man has been a permanent fixture, however not of the romantic sort.

I'm still without any job prospects. I've been told to exercise patience because they will begin to scramble as the summer progresses and the whole thing is a waiting game, but we're talking about me here; patient, I am not! On the other hand, the big deal is I did FINALLY take the stage to graduate! Oh boy, what a joyous occasion! I was on pins and needles and riddled with anxiety the entire day, until I set foot on that stage.

Other stuff has happened, as well, but we're going to have to put it on hold because this blog has been primarily based around my love life and that's what I will get into next!

CONSTRUCTION AREA

2010-05-26T11:17:00.001-07:00

blog is moving/changing?

details to follow.

quickie

2010-05-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

It’s nearly official, I’m done with school. I had a few rough patches filled with sentiment and reflection during my last day of classes this past Thursday. Naturally, I was able to hold it together, that’s how I’ve always managed to get through this life, even when I didn’t want to be bothered with it anymore.

I left home a late bloomer in some respects, yet world-weary with a sketchy plan, broken heart and fragile state of mind, but managed to grow exponentially in these past few years.

I’ve never been fair to myself, never saw me as being enough of whatever I was supposed to be, always lived with an incurable sadness, but fought and fought these feelings because I knew I had to be strong; I had to hold it together.

Because I’ve managed to hold all the shit together, I’m finally graduating with all A’s next Friday, as I set out to do when I left home. I almost want to squeal, I’m so proud of myself, of everything!

Ultimately, attitude and perseverance determine where you’ll end up and I’m completely honored to be able to share this with all of the little maniacs I’ll be working with in the near future.

In typical Steph fashion though, I must say (complain) I’m so pissed the actual graduation ceremony is costing an arm and leg. Assholes trying to milk me for everything they can before I’m gone.

Stay tuned for pics!

bleh, meh, sheh

2010-05-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm bummed I have nothing exciting to write about, so I'm just going to go ahead with this anyway.

I feel incredibly frustrated I have no job; not a teaching job, just any old job to get my broke ass through the summer. Life with The Moms has been okay, but I'm ready to bounce. They're major cock blocks...not that the love life has been all that hot to begin with.

By the way, this weekend I was introduced something like so: "This is my friend, Stephanie", which nearly killed me. Well not really killed, just a tad hurt. Why couldn't I be "This is Stephanie", instead of "friend, Stephanie". Thanks, DLC :/

Oh, I'm such a liar, I did have some excitement recently! I had an interview!
I don't know what to make of the situation. It was a pre-screening interview, which will hopefully lead to "the real deal, let's give Steph a job in the fall" sorta thing. Good Lord, one can only hope.

On a sour note, The Mom's are headed to Florida and then cruising to the Bahamas...lucky cock blocks!

Crunch, Crunch, Cram

2010-05-03T13:39:00.001-07:00

Graduation is just, just around the corner!

Exhausted and mentally checked out, I'm trudging through my final project.

I need a summer job ASAP because moolah is tight.

Had my 1st, yes my very 1st, intereview as a teacher, which was way more painless than anticipated.

I feel so excited to see what these next few weeks and months bring :)

New Take on Dating

2010-04-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Remember, way back...not so long ago? Yeah, that's exactly what I meant to say. Yes, back when I was dating up a storm, sometimes double and triple booking? Good grief, it was fun, dysfunctional, discouraging and did I say fun?

For all intents and purposes you could honestly say my milkshake was bringing all the boys to the yard. Alas, I've given up my date-a-holic behavior and went as far as clearing out my mental queue of menfolk.

****SIDE NOTE: totally forgot to mention I dated an ex-male stripper in early March. How in the dickens did I forget to tell anyone!?****

Amongst, the '09/10 Date-Fest is when we ran into DLC...Surely you remember him! He's still around and I still like him. Sometimes I feel sure he likes me, and then other times I wonder if we have mutual feelings.

It's scary to wonder if he does indeed like me and see potential, and it's far easier to dole out the undeniably awkward charm to "leave an extra candle burning just in case one goes out", like my good friend told me to do. I can't play the games involved; I simply don't have it in me to deal with the kind of stuff like the message copied & pasted below, even though it's hilariously funny and we LOVE it:

"Hey hi....I do believe your profile fits your photos very well which is okay. You do seem to have a lot of positive energy about you. And you sure do take very nice pictures. If i would have been around you the day that you were wearing that outfit in photo 14 you would have had my complete attention all day long you have very very nice legs. I know i am a leg man and i would have been trying very hard not to stare at your lovely legs if I had been with you that day(oh and i would have been trying my best to see as much as i could of you...not trying to be too forward just letting you know the facts). Oh and i am not saying that your physical appearance is everything it's not...there's a lot more to you than just your legs....i think i will take another look at photo 14...well perhaps a couple of looks!!"

Fun-ness

2010-04-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say, if you really wanted to, Facebook has had an interesting effect on our lives, yeah?

Okay, so like most, I’ve reconnected with friends from as early as my elementary school days back in Mingo Junction, erroneously "friended" men while still in the "getting to know phase", appeared in various embarrassing pics, met a brother and sister after 28 years of living and then a cousin, ran across the former best lay of my lifetime, the person I’ve shared the MOST embarrassing moment of my life with, which has caused me to never think of BBQ tongs and a flashlight in the same way, and then this guy:
Through all that reconnection stuff, I pleasantly bumped into this old junior high chum, which spurred a partner to attend Southlake's Art in the Square.

No, my main purpose for attendance had absolutely nothing to do with modern art, it was all about the frozen bellini, which by the way was totally rad although I think it significantly contributed to a slight case of the poopsies.

While at Art in the Square I saw heaps of art, dancing kids, listened to Rastafarian type-hippy looking singers and the world's worst story-teller, played with an iPad, spun a wheel & won a voucher for a large pizza and took in strange events including a hot make out session and a couple walking their...birds.

Take a peek, Friends:

Yes

2010-04-24T08:12:00.000-07:00

I'm still amongst the living.

Welcome To My Sad Little Blog

2010-04-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

This picture is incredibly perfecto! Okay, almost. I'm sure you've already establish I look nothing like the girl photographed, nor does my line of work have anything to do with large snakes and God knows I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a belly chain, but all that's irrelevant.

Things are nut-so, INSANELY busy with graduation and the certification process just around the corner! With that said, it's hard to find and/or narrow topics for your eyeball's consumption. If you have any topic suggestions or questions you'd like answered, I'd love, love, LOVE to hear from you:

nottheoxygen@gmail.com

I'm F-ing Inconsistant Here's Yet Another Update

2010-04-08T16:48:00.000-07:00

I, Steph, finally won a give away hosted by Alissa and feel like a total bad ass as a result. However, I lost another contest, an "ugly photo" contest, held by Mel. I guess I should be honored my photo wasn't the worst, but I'm not and to be honest, the winner is much more deserving. I love her ugly mug! -Shout out to the Pro-Steph Voters *WOOT WOOT* :)
Got a totally rad (and silly) manicure. I typically get phony nails or a French manicure, but not this time around! I got Easter/Birthday nails:

Had a birthday April 5th, but kind of celebrated on the 3rd @ Pete's Piano in Addison. I complained all last week about having to share the spotlight with Jesus since Easter Sunday fell during Birthday Weekend '10. I can only hope God has a sense of humor.

Was pulled over by the police for the 2nd time in my 28.99 years while on my way to my university to make a major purchase. Thank you Hurst police for adding to my stress....it's not like I can see my tail light; after all it is behind me. Anyway, my cap and gown has been purchased for graduation and my body is about to shut down in a few weeks. *Graduating Magna Cum Laude bitches* Oh, speaking of bitches I would've been Summa Cum Laude had I not missed one, single, solitary day of class, which lowered my overall grade in that class to a B.
Haven't been on any dates. Yes, my serial dating has come to an end; at least for now. I don't know when or if it's going to pick up again. Gosh, did I really just lose some readers!? I know this is crazy, but I'm still hanging out with DLC. I even ditched the one I was going to hold in my dating queue. Nuts, right?

Just days away from taking the last test before I can apply to The State Board of Education for teacher certification. I'm a gosh darn wreck, y'all!

Enjoy this short vid-The first stage strutter is a 67 year old lady also celebrating her birth @ Pete's Piano. They paid $100.00 to hear Pussy Control.

Giggle Fits from stephanie on Vimeo.

The Least You Can Do On My 29th Birthday Is....

2010-04-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

VOTE ME UGLY :)

I Don't Know What to Make of This

2010-03-31T18:44:00.000-07:00
Sometimes women have the tendency to give me a bad wrap; guilty. But there are definitely times when we need to take a good look at ourselves, ladies. By the way, that’s a collective “we”, I wouldn’t dare call anyone out…just being generic here.

This morning, I dropped into my usual breakfast spot to grab a spinach bacon soufflé. In the parking lot, a slick car caught my eye and then I spotted it, one of the most emasculating things I can think of.

Gosh, in fact every time I see this bumper sticker on a man’s car, I almost want to cry for him. I imagine a domineering, insecure wife, looking all Stepford and stuff, presenting this bumper sticker to her husband…an evil gleam in her eyes.

“Look what I’ve bought, darling.” Translation “Put this on your car, Dickhead. Those bitches better know you belong to me, and you better not be out there trying to fuck around either!”

Now, I could have it all wrong. Perhaps the man is over the moon for his wife, his heart soars when he thinks of her, he just can’t get enough, just can’t get enough.

“Oh what a wonderful wife, what a wonderful life!” he boisterously cries out.

Nah, I like the first thought better because that’s how I really feel. I’m trying to see both sides… Ya know, be fair.

Really though, how does this work?

Part II

2010-03-28T08:59:00.000-07:00
A continuation of yesterday's post. You know, the one about my giant granny panty show and breast revelation. I don't know if I'll ever be able to laugh that catastrophe off. Ugh...

Before things went sour Friday night I was naturally in good spirits. Spirits which elevated when I saw my favorite club go-er!

There's a guy, whose name I don't know, and he's a very serious, dedication patron and dancer at a Ft. Worth establishment. No, he isn't an employee, just loyal I guess.

Anyway, I've mentioned him before, but on other blog, the old one. Crap! I'd link the post if I could...I keep Breathing Up The Oxygen private :/ If you've been following and made the transition over here to NTO, then you may remember the night I was followed by a weird-o with a paper rose and approached by an older gentleman?

So, this guy whose name I don't know has clearly choreographed moves and I caught some on vid this time around. Yes, he's still going strong months later!

I'm really hating the way this post is going, but enjoy!

The Reg from Vimeo.

Jerk!

2010-03-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

Awkwardly dancing to Calle Ocho or something of the like in my recently purchased UO dress, I felt a tug from the left. It was a man, a decent looking man pulling me across the dance floor.

Being so far from my friends, the awkwardness of my dance intensified. Yes, it intensified to the point of Watermelon Scene from Dirty Dancing, after Johnny teaches Frances AKA Baby to “dirty dance”, and then slips away leaving her looking quite asshole-ish.

Doing a campy dance, I yell over the music, trying to slip away, “Uh, don’t wanna dance anymore.”

“I’ll show you how to dance to this kinda music!” he says and the next thing I know, the man bends down, grabs me by the back of the knees and lifts me from the ground.

Airborne and holding on to this creature for dear life, he began to shake me up and down like ketchup in a bottle that won’t budge.

All the while, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, grappling to keep my short dress down to avoid exposure. The situation left me with my right arm desperately holding onto his neck while the other hand was twisted behind me shielding my va-jay.

Thank God I wore large, full coverage underpants!

Finally, he relented. I tried making a hurried escape while ensuring the bottom of my dress was lying flat and this is when I had to do a double take.

As if the situation hadn’t been ghastly enough, I looked down and saw nipples. Yes, my very own boobs on full display in da club.

*And, this is why I always say, "do not dance with strange men in clubs & especially don't do any grinding and booty shaking...unless you want to be fondled & feel an unknown boner poking you- and trust me, times are never that tough ladies and maybe gentlemen dancing with gentlemen"

What, What?

2010-03-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

Let me get you up to speed…A whole lot has happened and not happened in the last six days:

Went on dates with 2 new guys (Date Guy number one, let’s call him DLC, as in doesn’t like candy. WTF, right? And, I’ll call the Date Guy number 2 Urban Cowboy, not to be confused with my previously mentioned favorite mistake, P.C)
Experienced a freak snow storm after a 75 degree day
Spring Break ended
Went back to work
Haven’t consistently slept in my bed

I realize this is a lot for one post, no worries; I’ll keep you abreast of only critical points.

Friday, was an awesomely warm spring day of about 75 degrees, and there was a date lined up with DLC. We met, I ate, and we both had 1 Coke and 1 alcohol drink. Two lame asses in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Somehow I ended up going to his house Saturday morning to watch movies.
*I always say never agree to “watch a movie” because ultimately it means he wants to see your vagina* He seemed to be on the up and up, so like I said, I went and F.Y.I., there was no vagina watching.

Saturday evening, I met U.C. at Starbucks for coffee. This is when the freak snow storm began. Good God, he’s gorgeous and kind! I’ve decided to keep him in my queue. Is that bad?

Okay, here’s where things get weird.

Sunday, I went back to DLC’s house and spent the night and, no there wasn’t any “movie watching” going on you perverts. I’ve become a serial dater, not hooker. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday night at his house, as well.

Summing up the situation, Facebook Msging with a friend not really named Roger:
19:53Stephanie
theres a weird sort of connection
its terrifying
and quick
and seems so natural and unnatural at the same time
i cant work it out in my mind

19:53 Roger
step back and get a little clinical, k

I wholly agree with the friend. Things are excellent, but incredibly too fast. I definitely don't want to jump into anything even though I sort of have by spending so much time with DLC. He's cute, nerdy, tells horribly long jokes and so, so nice. I feel like myself around him.

Things are so much easier when the men are jerks!

Enough. Take a mental vacation and enjoy this video because I haven't any good pics to offer. I'm posting this vid not only because I thoroughly enjoy this song, which is stuck on repeat in my head, but for a bloggy friend :) -okay!

Fan of Not the Oxygen on Facebook?/ St. Pat's

2010-03-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

If you’re a fan of my blog on Facebook then you already have a general idea of what’s going down in StephLand regarding the date and the mid-week holiday.

A second date has yet to pan out with the most recent Tuesday night guy. I appreciate all the crossing y’all did, but clearly you didn’t cross good enough.

No, I shouldn’t be ugly to you, friends. Y’all are great, great people who really know what’s up. Again, thanks for your help. It’s not you’re fault this guy sucks at making smart decisions.

I always say, "Never trust a guy in white sneakers", but I must also add "Never trust a guy with a faux hawk" to my list as well. Seriously, ladies!

Wednesday night, St. Pat’s Day, I went to a local bar, however not the local bar intended because they were charging cover and babes are broke these days.

St. Pat, St. Pat, you aren’t much of a Saint...You made me stay up late boozing, which resulted in a case of bubble guts in the morning. That was so not nice! You also sought out a handful of semi-English speaking men to follow my friends and me around the bar, totally messing up what little game I do have. Wait, I don’t like bar men. Either way, the game was screwed thanks to these guys.

Had fun though!

Ok, one last thing. I had, had, had to add this youtube video. I'm such a child.

Cross 'Em

2010-03-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I tried to withhold information for fear of jinxing myself. We all know I don’t have the Luck (of the Irish) when it comes to finding a suitable suitor to rope. I’m diffident about this revelation, guys, I really am.

Ok, I’ll shut up already and break the news; I went on a date. I know you’re thinking, “Big deal, what else is new?”, but let me say what’s new is I’ve run across another one I’d like to see again. That’s why there's such an immense amount of fear in sharing this. It’s very rare I admit interest, makes me feel entirely too vulnerable.

I’ve got heaps of questions buzzing through my head:
Will he call?
Does he want to see me again?
Was I enough of myself to charm the pants off of him?
What are this guy’s intentions?
Is he going to turn into a rude asshole like The Short Russian a.k.a Hot Lips?
Could I really date a guy with brown eyes?
When is he going to call me?
Is this going to be like the Crush Not Reciprocated?
Will he hang out with me another time, get wasted, try to mug down in public while talking in pout-y, baby voices, and then tell me about his prior experience with three-somes and ask me to put my hand on ‘it’?
Did he call me yet!? (yes, I realize it's mid-day Wednesday :P )

image

Quick Run Down of SB 2010

2010-03-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

Heavens to Betsy, I’ve got some new friends and am truly excited about our budding relationship!

AND

A few men folk around the place; Unheard of and magnificent considering I spend so much time blogging about men!

Thank you and welcome.

Now, let’s get down to biz.

I’m on Spring Break and it flippin’ blows! I should be happy for a break and don’t mean to bitch, but at 28 it’s not like I’ve got a friends rallying to hang out during the day. I mean, really, they’re respectable adults with jobs. I will have to rework the Spring Break attitude for next year.

To break up the monotony of the day I head to the dollar movie theater, but found the line incredibly long and snaking. What else was I to do other than drive to Dallas for nachos at Tin Star, and more importantly a little…retail therapy? The shopping wasn’t consciously planned, y’all. Stuff happens.

I went to Urban Outfitters because I love their dresses. Oh shit, this is where I lose the fellas…dang! Quick and painless, I promise.

I bought a rad Aries necklace. See, astrological necklaces are a dime a dozen, but I found this particular piece oh so awesome because it has the constellation…SCORE!

Then, I was on a roll. I went to another Urban Outfitters about 2 miles away. Guess what happened?

FYI: Your friend Steph has a thing for purple these days and an undying love for strapless dresses and again, kickball is cancelled because it love to rain in Texas on Tuesdays..

Okay, the pics aren't great, but I never claimed to be a photographer :P

Conclusion of Date# .1

2010-03-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Date #2 spawned Date# .1 Too bad I didn’t know it was the freaking Devil’s spawn!

During the little brother’s birthday party, I was receiving texts from, uh, let’s call him Hot Lips :
“Hey there, just got off. At Target. Long day…What’s up?”

“Lemme know if u wanna drop by during the week”

Which all this later turned into, “Why don’t you come over today?”

I hesitated, thinking this wasn’t such a great idea, but boredom got the best of me after the party. I decided I’d go ahead go over and then we could go out.

We talked on the phone, he sent a text with his address and then I was on my way.

Now, mind you this address didn’t include an apartment name or number. This information is somewhat key. He also lives in a city I do not frequent, nor am I familiar with.

I get to his exit, head north on the toll road, make all the proper turns and see a complex I assume is his.

I ring him up:

“What’s the name of your apartments?”
“They’re called Blah, Blah, Blah.”
“Oh, okay, I’m here. Do you live in the 1st or 2nd building?”
“There’s only one building.” –there were totally TWO buildings!
“Are you near *some landmark*?”
“No, what’s a *some landmark*?”
“A hotel.”
“No, I only see a Hampton Inn.”
“Oh, wait, here is it is. Can you come down and meet me?”
“No, just park by the *some landmark*”

At this point I become annoyed because I think it’s only decent to walk down and meet a sista, right? I mean, really! ...Don’t live there, never been there, have no idea where I am, why the fuck not!?

I hang up, but only after first getting his apartment number and more directions which include me walking up stairs.

I sit in the car, take a deep breath, trying to chill out a little.

I walk into the apartment building and see door after door, no elevator, no stairs. What in the world…

I go into another entrance, seeing the exact same set up. At this point, I walk back to my car, ready to say the heck with it and head back home. Forty stinking minutes back home!

I call one last time to say I’ve gone inside and can’t find where I’m going, to which I get a totally condescending reply, and this is where I get hood. Remember, I told you I got hood?

Okay, so I really wasn’t really all that hood, but I frankly let him know what I thought of him, his lack of manners in the situation, and how him walking down a flight of stairs wouldn’t bring him to his death. Then, he tried to get kind, asking where exactly I was and I told the son of a bitch I was already on the highway, heading home.

No more Hot Lips.

I figure if he was talking to me in the manner he did, his funky little attitude would only get worse. I’m truly thankful I never made it into his front door.

Guess there was a reason I felt the hesitation.

image

Little Brother's Birthday.

2010-03-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

My brother was born 3/14/86 thus it made sense we celebrate! His fiancee set up the party, and it was a really good time. I kept asking they turn the tunes back on, but the men folk remained interested in video gaming. I mostly sat around gabbing in my spandex.

The blender started up, and mudslides were made. Somehow requesting just a little bit literally means you're going to get a teeny weeny bit- My mistake!
What the heck, yeah?

Terry (the birthday boy), Moi, and Alexei, the giant baby of the family.

One of the brother's 3 dogs, Mocha, was definitely in a celebratory mood.

This is my youngest cousin, which reminds me I forgot to post his birthday pics. His party was a real doozy. Not only was it his birthday, it was my coming out party although I'm totally non-lesbo.
Me attempting a serious glare at my other cousin...

The older cousin I was glaring at, with his glasses like a grandpa.

Terribly excited about my newest brothers, or rather brother-in-laws is what I think you call them.
This burger is the mystery burger. Someone assembled it, took a bite, left it and then wouldn't claim it, but we all know the culprit. *This all went down before Date# .1

The Dating Winds Down

2010-03-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

This past week I averaged about 2.1 dates.

Date #1
He’s new to the area. We’ve been corresponding for a few weeks and finally met. Like usual, there were no special sparks working me into a tizzy. In fact, he was shorter than advertised with a round, bald spot smack in the middle of the back of his head. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have my pitfalls as well, especially since I quit taking my birth control and have little pimples sporadically sprouting. I’m merely emphasizing the lack of attraction I felt for this guy. And, Lord knows, I’m totally sick of guys misrepresenting their height, unless I’m like 5’9 and have no idea and I’m the one exaggerating my size.

Needless to say, another no go, but hey(!) there weren’t any weird revelations or unwanted advances, so I must say the meeting went well.

Date #2
Another Dallas newbie and shorty, but at least I wasn’t taller this time around. I was way more casually dressed than he, but oh well; I was suckered by his attractiveness. Initially the conversation was like pulling teeth. He wasn’t divulging much and for Pete’s sake a girl needs something to work with in order to make conversation. I took a little pity because he did seem incredibly nervous.

After awhile the mood lightened and all was okay. The date ended and I respectfully went home after a hot lip lock to get ready for another date which didn’t happen because I got a terrible sinus headache on my way home. Meh.

Oh, and this one also followed up with the message that goes a long way, like the prior week’s #4.

Date #.1
You’re wondering what’s up with the .1, right? I had to cut things short. I’ll tell you later. I’m sure you can imagine things were fairly fucked.

Say Your Prayers!

2010-03-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

March 9, 2010

Dear Friend,

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s entirely heartfelt; I miss you and I’m sorry. Life has been crazy. 2010 has been a nut fest. Amongst the unemployment, or rather free employment, lethargy, senioritis, dating disasters, moving in with The Moms, and overall burn out, our relationship has suffered. I still love you. I really do. I still creep around your place with a fitful eye.

In a nutshell, I’ve lost my mojo.

Do you, my friend, have any idea how I can reinvigorate the mojo? I so desire to come back to you and be what we once were, when times were good between us.

However, there is one small problem in fixing our problem. See, I’ve piled on yet another situation to compound things. Yes, one more thing to wear my ass down. Do you want to know what the something is, the yet another that’s coming between us?

Remember back when we were meeting up at another address? There was a childhood activity I longed to be a part of, but was unable due to scheduling. Welp, friend, time has finally presented itself.

Yes, it’s true. I will be partaking in a bit of kickball on Tuesday nights. The season officially starts next week with a pick-up game going down this Tuesday.

Please tell me we can work around this minor speed bump, right?

Love You,
Steph

Date #4 of the Week

2010-03-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

I came home from Saturday night’s date, kicked back with my What A Burger taquitos and chatted up ScoMan on Facebook. After telling him how my night went down, he said something along the lines of he’s happy for me as a friend, but bored as a reader, so let me warn you, this may be boring.

Dating 4 different dudes in a week is exhausting.

I was somewhat excited to go out with this guy. He looked like Gym (yes, another made up name. One of The Moms came up with the moniker), only taller. Lord, I love men around my height, but the option of heels is always nice to have which isn’t quite possible if he’s 5’7 or 5’8. It seems like there’s always some sort of trade off; either the man is a total hot bod with a receding hairline or has a full, thick head of hair and a less than amazing body. Why can’t I find a happy medium!? Anyway, I’m losing you; let me get back to it.

Ok yeah, he’s cute and super, duper flipping polite. I was completely prepared for the worst, had my wall up and he ending up being a nice guy. Totally has his date etiquette in order. What the hell, right? Talked a whole lot, he actually rang me, instead of texting everything, opened doors, gave his sweater, walked on the proper side of me, didn’t attempt to ram his tongue down my throat/“mug down”, and here’s the kicker. Get ready, Friends…He sent a text asking if I made it home o.k.

The text did it for me; SOLD!

Seriously, I didn’t know how to act. Then, I felt kind of f’ed up because I’m thinking how I’ve been looking forward to a normal, decent date and then BANG! it happens and I become a clueless, silent, mess of a nerd.

I’ve become incredibly accustomed to handling myself in socially awkward situations. Isn’t this a sad state of affairs!? I gotta tell y’all, I’m tired.

P.S.

I'm not counting on any second dates with this one.

And, we watched Alice in Wonderland. I say, not

the greatest of movies, but visually awesome.

Got the image from Google.com

Date #3 of the Week.

2010-03-06T14:25:00.000-08:00

Another to the point post; a copied & pasted Facebook Messenger convo. Here's a quick rundown of the date:

Stephanie
date...a wash
clearly im staying in town

16:04 C

yes i see
so bad date huh

16:04Stephanie
it didnt start that way
we met uptown for drinks. handsome guy. attorney, traveler, seemed like he's
holding things down, good conversation, fun flirtation.....
he got WASTED!
starts telling me how cute i am in some weird baby voice and trying to mug down on the patio

16:05 C

whats wrong with that?

Stephanie
uh the whole last part is whats wrong

16:06 C

sounds nice to me

16:06Stephanie
shut up

16:07 C

just date him an encourage him not to drink

Stephanie
come to find out he brought his own Solo cup filled with vodka and tea, left it outside and wouldnt leave the bar without it

16:07 C
classy
you know how to pick em

...Wow, Really? JML

2010-03-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

Let's make a long story short...some of you may be pressed for time.

A very cute friend of mine has recently joined the Match.com world. We were comparing/suggesting prospects via Facebook chat. Some were serious, and others were more like, "Hey this guy awkwardly holding his cat would be great for you".

The thing with clicking profiles on Match.com is people know you've browsed them. One of my "ha, ha suggestions" struck last night with the following message:

Subject: Like a Snuggie, Except More Fleshy
Damn it, you look like a lot of fun. Why do you have to be all the way over there?

Sap.

2010-03-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

"Either way, it happens to the best of us. I think that we may be a lot alike in the "avoiding drama at all costs" area and then when you have a sudden attack of "gangster-ness" you immediately regret it and think, why am I buying into this mess."

Ok, y'all...

I got this message earlier from a sweet, sugar pie who will remain nameless, and must say, totally sums up how things were Monday. Thank you, Friend :) Just when I complain about dramatic mess, I get a little of my own. Sux Delux, yet reminds me of the avoidance factor.

Here it is, Wednesday, and I'm feeling mostly awesome; I'm completely in love with my new, sparkly, pewter Madden sandles, want to tongue kiss the IRS, and had 2 somewhat successful dates this week & am looking forward to a few more this week.

It's heaps better to focus on positive, let the small stuff slide, and try your damnedest to keep a smile on your face, even if it's breaking out as a result of not refilling your birth control pills. fucking hormones.

yield.

....really...

2010-03-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

I don’t expect all to subscribe to my personal set of ethics, but god damn!

*Note:

It's always best, in the heat of the moment, to think prior to acting...just saying 'cause you might send a Facebook message you can't take back and then whatcha gonna do? :/

Why Me?

2010-02-27T09:09:00.000-08:00

image

"How old is he? Does he have a cute butt?"

These words were spoken by my recently turned 14 year old cousin upon hearing I had a date last night. Odd.

He is 31 and I wasn’t even concerned with his butt. Okay, I did take a quick peek and welp…nada. Jeepers, cousin’s question provided a great pseudonym for this most recent internet dating victim; Saggy Britches!

Fuck. (Pardon the French)

I will start by describing this date by saying the fella is photogenic, in person, not so much; a little too red headed, pale, and fashion challenged. I can’t date another fashionably challenged man. God help me!? I have my hot mess moments, but nuh uh, not again.

For all intents and purposes, he’s a likeable guy, just not romantically/physically my type. I did get some awesome cheese fries out of the deal and decent conversation. The night wasn’t a total wash.

Here’s the doozy though, the good stuff. The-OMG-why’d-you-just-tell-me-that-but-thanks-for- telling-me-that moment.

Let me back up, paint you a picture.

While talking and what not, a woman approaches, introduces herself to me and proceeds to talk to Saggy Britches for awhile. No big deal. She leaves and he tells me they used to date, still no big deal. The big deal came a tad later.

During the course of conversation The Moms come up and naturally, he asked the typical male question to which I answered how interacting with The Vagina makes me queasy, etc. He told me how the woman I’d just met that he used to date likes the ladies. Still, no big deal.

The doozy came when he said something along the lines of, “Yeah, So & So likes to fuck chicks” and how they had three-somes throughout their relationship.

The End!

Smile

Interactive Thursday...That Means You!

2010-02-25T16:31:00.000-08:00

*Back Story*This is a msg. exchange via Facebook. There’s a long standing drama I have no part of, want no part in, and don't even discuss, but somehow my friend, “Pam” keeps trying to drag me into the mess. I want no part of this. I dodge dramatics at all costs, but I don’t know what to do with this woman. I mean seriously, at this age!? This is worse than the 4th graders I spend my days with. (BTW these names are bullshit)

I never post this sort of crap, it's just I'm at my wits end. I feel almost guilty and uncomfortable putting this out there, but gee whiz! Oh, and the msgs below came on the heels of my EX randomly calling me up to tell me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore out of "self preservation" and blah, blah, blah bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I can sort of understand his point, but really? I found the whole thing completely inappropriate.

So, here’s where the interactive part comes into play…what would you do?

Pam 08 February at 19:43
favor....i don't know if you are planning on attending george’s party on the 13th (or if you have even heard about it - its in the eve after my big bad b-day bbq) but i am not going (though i think i responded "yes" when drunk the other night). i just don't want the drama, which brings me to the favor.... if you are planning on going, could you please just not talk to me about it? especially that day? i know i bring up the joe/annie situation sometimes (when something notable happens), but ultimately i don't want to hear about it (especially on my b-day)...thanks bud.

Pam 25 February at 09:01
no drama, just honest communication...are you planning on associating with annie (outside of facebook?)...i ask for one reason only. if she is going to be at events you plan, i would want to know ahead of time (in the same way you might want to know if i invited you to a party and someone like...calvin...was going to be there)...No drama about it, i just wouldn't come. That is how tired of the drama i truly am. Well, that and she really did hurt me stephanie. I never said her girlfriend was charles manson - I only said the behavior was out of line. And annie spun it like I was insane and had made up some wild story. The whole thing was (and still is) very, very hurtful. I am "over it", but it is always going to hurt and that isn't drama, its just honesty. Anyway, I'd just like to know one way or the other so I can adjust accordingly (all that means is I'm not going to be anywhere she is).

Steph 25 February at 18:06
Nonsense. I wasn't even going to bother with a reply, like george's party, but here goes:

I've known you for about 10 years or so. I, for one, would never imagine you'd invite calvin to a party (or whatever) but if you did..I would imagine that YOU, as my FRIEND, would have enough RESPECT for ME that you would give me a HEADS UP.

I don't know what you think about me as a person. Clearly, not much.

On the upside, there are no worries, because I haven't planned any events, nor do I plan on planning any events. Furthermore, it's very rare you'd take my calls if there was such an event to attend, especially since you have a "screening process".

With that said, I think we're in the clear.

I could be wrong, but I'm just going to assume this is the drama you mentioned with Kent and Facebook yesterday. Whether it is or not, just for the record I have too much going on to worry myself with these sorts of issues. Please leave me out of these future discussions/communications because I will no longer respond to this sort of stuff.

Steph 25 February at 18:07
and if you're tired of drama, you shouldn't feed into it.

I'm just saying...

How I Forgot the Rhythm, but Remembered the Party!

2010-02-21T07:11:00.000-08:00

Finally, Steph had another opp to get crunknificent!

I haven't had a chance to get my dance on since The N's birthday celebration, which was mid-January. Lordy, lordy, it sure is nice to get out and shake it every once in awhile. I will let the pictures speak for themselves, but let me preface this heavily pictured post by saying:

I'm totally sober in all pictures

Allergies and a runny nose don't slow me down

TX weather is indeed unpredictable and I accidentally overdressed

I generally do a G-rated strip tease style dance while on the floor, but being the lady I am, I went to the restroom to remove my tights

I have no idea who these guys are

It never fails. The geriatrics at the bar gravitate to me!

Just Like Britney, Ooops!

2010-02-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

I went back to where I didn’t want to go; the country.

Just what does that mean you ask? Well, there’s this guy, who for all intents and purposes I will refer to as PC, as in Pure Country, and well, he lives in the country, hence the moniker. He’s been in the picture for awhile, becoming a more dominant figure around the holidays, but I’ve opted to keep this to myself.

PC is completely “Mr. Wrong” for a number of reasons, annoying as all heck yet somewhat comical. I vowed I’d stop venturing beyond the city limit sign…

My bestie, The N, said she learned from Sex & the City, PC is the type of guy you let go of for the next girl to enjoy. I would, but I’m greedy.

Here’s how it all went down:

I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks and had been on some dates with other guys, which made me decide to put dating on hold altogether causing me to think I wasn’t going to date, but rather focus on all the mumbo jumbo I’ve got going on, but naturally I retrogressed. Surely, you already knew this was going to happen.

As I was leaving work, I received a text from PC, a stupid, annoying text that pissed me off, especially since Parking-Lot-Blow-Job had text-ed just a few days prior. I thought, “Why are these jerk-offs bugging me?” And then I thought some more and this is where I fluffed up- PC is a jerk, but a familiar jerk; a sexy, familiar jerk.

Sexting ensued.

I found myself back at his house, sitting on his couch, drinking from the same bottle of wine I’d left over there weeks ago, smoking Marlboro cigarettes and eating pizza, while he was beside me, massaging my feet, watching some crap sitcom and continuously glancing at me, making his stupid disbelief faces because I wasn’t laughing at the show. Oh, I hate his stupid scrunched up faces!

Clearly, separation hadn’t thrown off our typical routine.

Happy Valentine's Day, Love Birds

2010-02-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

Check out my Valentine's Day guest post!

http://youknowwhatiallowyoutoknow.blogspot.com/2010/02/february-star-3-stephanie.html

With lots & lots of LOVE,

Steph

P.S.

Enjoy a few of my favorite love songs, but let me warn you the 1st video is not for the faint of heart:

I selected this particular vid because of Karen O's oh so awesome sweater!

image

igotitigotitigotit!!!!

2010-02-13T09:56:00.000-08:00

Who loves ice cream and cake!?

I loves ice cream and cake!

Anyone who has seen me demolish sweets knows the truth; I'm a chunky babe, trapped inside this little, stick-ly brown body. And, anyone who reads this blog or my previous posting place knows I GO INSANE when it comes to that ridiculous Baskin & Robbins commercial.

Friday, school was canceled, I did nothing, absolutely nothing, but lounged around feeling sick, unable to breath through my nose, and disgustingly mouth breathing. Trust me, mouth breathing is not a pretty sight

Anyway, The Moms came home and well, you already know what they brought me!!

could only get the Thanksgiving ed. to work this time :/

Thursday Night

2010-02-13T07:00:00.000-08:00

Coming up in a teeny, weeny town situated along the Ohio River, I was no stranger to snow. However, snow and I have been estranged for years. Well, at least what I consider “real snow” because flurries don’t count. Tiny bits of accumulation don’t really equate “real snow” either my fellow Texans.

Yeah, this is snow, but it’s not snow:
Welp, finally got the real deal! About 12 record breaking inches is what they say.

ta-da!

The Crush...

2010-02-10T18:24:00.000-08:00

short lived. not reciprocated.

One Last One!

2010-02-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I said I wasn’t going to do it, but I’m going to do it. I’ve got about 1 hour and 15 minutes to kill before Mommy feeds me dinner. I flat out don’t feel like doing shit. (Yes, I live with my dang mother(s). Yes, I have no paying job. And, yes, I have a lingering cold. Yes, I have heaps of work and planning to accomplish. Yes, I’m sick of the god damned winter. Lastly, YES, I’m extremely frustrated and near a state of depression. Whoa, did all that really come out just now? Totally irrelevant info, my apologies.)

*pulling myself back together*

My Facebook friends are already hip to some of this, but there are you that aren’t, so I’ll share since I miss y’all and heaven forbid you forget your Little Ol’ Stephie Poo.

I’ve recently developed horrendous eating habits, which cause me to drive myself to the same gas station every morning for a 20 ounce styrofoam cup of their delicious Coke-A-Cola. (Lately, I’ve upgraded to a 32oz, Ooops! Not so much irrelevant this time around, but embarrassing)

Not only does this particular station have the tastiest fountain Coke, there’s a particular gentleman (a fellow regular customer) I’ve made my “make-believe-boyfriend-that-I-make-love-to-every-morning-with-my-eyes-because-he’s-not-really-my-boyfriend-and-I-can’t-really-touch-him-without-breaking-the-law-and-I’m-not-really-crazy-but-he’s-super-hot-and-I-have-this-strange-feeling-he-is-also-eye-fucking-me-and-probably-one-day-will-want-to-marry-me”. HAA! That’s sick!

Beside soft drinks, I’ve also been known to go for a bit of candy in the morning. One cold as usual morning, I asked the clerk where the Nutty Bars are kept. After he pointed to the assumed location where I happened upon nothing of the sort, I said, “Oh crap. Y’all don’t have Nutty Bars. Man! I really wanted a Nutty Bar this morning”.

The clerk kept saying something and I kept on asking him what he was saying, and finally his voice rose loud enough for me to hear him say, “I said, I’m a little nutty and I get off of work in 37 minutes”.

Fuck.

Now, that’s been a few weeks ago and he’s been fairly normal since; normal until this morning.

I filled my 32 ounce cup full of that delicious Coke and set it on the counter, telling the “nutty” clerk I had to first grab one more item for my snack.

Again, he mumbled words I was unable to hear. Apparently, I “make him naughty and have funny thoughts”, which were brought about by his suggestion of me having a sausage biscuit for breakfast.

Creepy, I know, although hysterically funny when I enter my car and rewind the events. What a freak!

Honestly though, this is the type of guy I attract. His type is wholly why I resorted to online dating. By the way, I’ve given up on the WWW as of yesterday. I will be meeting no one else. At least, I'm not planning on doing so.

Break!

2010-02-09T14:21:00.001-08:00

My daily routine is anything but routine. Well, that's somewhat of I lie because I routinely get into bed by 5PM. The interning and consequential cold have taken over my life, thus Not the Oxygen suffers. All my wit withers away while I snooze under my electric blanket. Sorry :/

but...

MONDAY IS A HOLIDAY!!!!!

maybe I can catch up?

Things Don't Always Go According to Plan

2010-02-03T18:33:00.001-08:00

In Watching
Wishing my

Would brush their self!

pics

piss

2010-02-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

Today is Monday and I don’t know what to do with myself. With so much to look forward to, I was feeling pretty good and antsy about this week:

Monday: Regular school day, mac n’ cheese in the cafeteria, and 1 month closer to finishing my residency.
Tuesday: Very busy carrying out plans in the classroom and staying for after school tutoring.
Wednesday: Dinner with weekend man number two.
Thursday: Sleeping in, enjoyable breakfast, and spending the day at the university. Night outing is a total possibility.
Friday: 1st grade field trip, Dallas Burlesque Festival with the birthday girl mentioned in this post and those A sisters.
Saturday: Baby shower and whatever the hell else I feel like doing!
Sunday: Continuation of whatever the hell else I feel like doing!

Yeah, sounds good, right? Yeah, that’s what I thought until I ventured to the other side of the school to discuss the upcoming field trip. See, this isn’t just any old field trip; it’s The Field Trip of field trips! It’s the flipping Ft. Worth Stock Show! And, this lady fucking forgot about me tagging along, but says I should still be able to go since I’m faculty. Man, I hope this pans out because I’ve had my little chocolate heart set on this trip. I mean it’s the stock show for Christ’s sake; do you know what that means to me? I’ve already told you folks I want a stinking brown cow. I looove livestock! I also love those little first graders. Boo Hoo!

On the upside, ‘cause there always is one…

You already know, or are in the process of figuring out I’m a bit spaztastic. You long timers know how I feel about the Baskin Robbins Ice Cream & Cake commercial and how I think it’s the greatest. Welp y’all, they’ve got a Valentine’s edition.

BEHOLD, loves!

LOVE HORRORS IV: How To Get Over a Cheating Boyfriend

2010-01-31T16:16:00.000-08:00

This Sunday’s Love Horror comes from one of my dearest dears, Arnetta, at This May Sound Crazy, But… I truly love her blog and have been faithfully following since the beginning of time. Hmm, that’s a lie, but you know I mean it’s been a long time; pretty much as long as I’ve been using Blogger. Anyway, without further ado, here’s the story and when you’re done, go on over and visit with her for a bit:

Ever since Steffy (yes, we're on a nick-name basis like that, son!) mentioned that she wanted to feature love horror stories, I've been racking my brain, attempting to post a story that is appropriate for this blog. All of my stories, although funny and entertaining, are a little too . . . how do you say? . . . disturbing for the light-hearted blog that my dear Stephanie hosts. Now the story that I am about to tell definitely has its disturbing moments, but it's all I got so try to be entertained dammit.

About 4 years ago, I was dating a guy who was cheating on me. It was really bad and I sooo wanted to believe that he wasn't (because I was in love with him), but it was hard to ignore anymore and one day after ~~going through his luggage~~ helping him pack for a trip to Miami Florida to a "visit his family," I found a bunch of condoms in his bag (and by "a bunch," I mean, A LOT. Like 30 or 40) and decided to call it quits. Being the passive aggressive person that I was, I didn't confront him about it. I knew he would lie about it and I don't like to argue with people so instead, I just removed all of the condoms and drove him to the airport. From that point on, I decided that I was a free woman.

That particular night, I had to work as a field producer for a live televised event (that took place at a museum). It was the opening of a new exhibit and there was drinks being served and a bunch of rich people enjoying dinner in an extravagant ball room. Now, it is not unusual for the television folk (who don't have to operate equipment) to take part in the festivities after the broadcast is over. So, as soon as the reporter signed off, I headed for the bar in an attempt to drink my problems away. I sat and talked with one of the interns (who happened to be a very attractive young lady that I worked with on other projects). She was telling me about her cheating boyfriend (which made me even more depressed because I thought to myself, who would cheat on HER?!) We toasted our drinks and shared our tales of woe as the other guys from the crew kept the drinks flowing in our direction. It's important for you to know, that I am a light-weight. I can barely drink one glass of wine before I'm seeing double, laughing too hard and talking too loud. Despite my disability, every time I looked up another glass of wine seemed to magically appear in my hand and before you know it, I had about 3 glasses of wine and was tore up from the floor up, telling everyone about my broken heart.

Now, before you jump to any conclusions...this is not a "swinging from the chandelier" story. I didn't make out with anyone from work or make a fool out of myself in front of the Production Manager at my job...and for the record, he was drunk too, lol. I was three sheets to the wind but for some odd reason, I was able to walk with a "sober swagger." So I went with my drinking buddy "the intern" (who was doing just dandy after god-knows-how-many drinks) to the front entrance to be taken to our cars by a good friend (who was also one of the crew guys). As we waited outside in the cold, my "swagger" wore off and I descended to the curb where I sat, hunched over, leaned up against a light post. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt like I was on a whirl-o-wheel. Finally, the crew guy (let's call him "Bob") drove his car around and we hopped in. It was obvious that I would not be able to drive home so after Bob dropped off the intern, he drove me to a hotel. (I lived an hour away and he didn't know what else to do, I guess). Now, I was completely drunk at the time, so I don't remember much but I do remember him paying for the room, leading me to my door and leaving. The next day, Bob picked me up for work and we had a good laugh about the whole thing and life went on as if nothing happened.

Okay here's where the story gets interesting. Bob has a wife. A very...~~crazy~~ caring wife. And while going through his bills, she noticed that he'd used his frequent flier miles to pay for a hotel room. And she did as any suspicious wife would do and questioned Bob about it. And Bob did what any scared husband would do and denied, denied and lied. I think he said that he used the hotel for himself or something to that effect. Of course, she wasn't buying it so he told her the truth. His (female) coworker got drunk at an event and he took out a room for her. Then, as the French would say...the shit hit the fan. Bob's wife came storming up to the job looking for me. The guards had to hold her back from coming inside and attempting to ~~kick my ass~~ talk to me. She called me a bunch of times while I was working and at one point she had me paged over the intercom (I knew it was her because she always pronounced my last name wrong, and so the secretaries repeated the same wrong pronunciation whenever they would page me). At one point, I talked to her and explained to her what happened and it seemed to appease her at the time but for months I continued to get paged.

I was the "precautionary tale" of the office, the center of all gossip and the most talked about person at my job for the next couple months. When I think back to the chain of events stemming from that night, I realize that breaking up with my ex was definitely the easy part.

The moral of the story folks . . . The quickest way to get over a cheating ex-boyfriend is to have a BIGGER and WORSTER problem to worry about. Oh, and don't drink and drive. And yes, I know "worster" is not a word.

Arnetta Green

Double Whammy!

2010-01-31T07:37:00.000-08:00

I’ll be damned if I didn’t have another date; a totally unexpected, spur of the moment date with another online suitor. This one has been lurking for awhile now…

He suggested we meet at BJ’s for dinner. Of course, my mind reverted to perversion and the memory of some creep trying to get me to blow him in a bar parking lot.

All giggles, I told the moms, “We’re going to BJ’s, hope he’s not expecting one!”

Ok, so there were no blow jobs in the parking lot, but I did get a good laugh later in the evening when he told me he tried to think of a casual place, but then realized the innuendo that could be derived from the restaurants name. Thus, I pulled out my cell phone showing him the text I’d sent to my mother while he stepped away to use the restroom:

“10:59pm Sat, Jan 30
To: Mom

Still at bj’s, hasn’t asked for one yet”

Instead of sucking the penis, I ate undercooked vegetarian pizza, had a few drinks and talked a whole bunch. It was great, better than any blow job I’ve ever given! (that’s sort of joke, y’all)

Definitely, our outing was a pleasant surprise. I was pleased to be out with another perfect gentleman who’s down with the swirl. (OMG the 1st pic wikipedia link cracked me up!)

Yes, Friday night was good, but Saturday night was way better!

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The Date! (finally a decent one)

2010-01-30T15:25:00.000-08:00

G’day friends! I say, “G’day” in the “Hello” sense, not the “Australian, Scoman G’day, as in see you later sorta way”. Uh, shout out to my friend Scotty….Hey Scott!

Moving on…

I know the online dating antics brought a lot of you over and then the antics fell off because frankly the whole thing grew old and annoying. It’s not like I was trying to deprive y’all. Dang! Well, let’s get back to the dating stuff for a minute because your ol’ pal, Steph had a dizz-ate last night- woot, woot.

See, it went down kind of by accident; I had all, but given up on dating and was browsing profiles for kicks. Y’all know some of them are funny. I randomly messaged a decent looking fella with a legitimate question regarding his profile and a little messaging ensued. Actually, I was caught off guard when he sent his number my way, but yep, that’s how this date came about.

We met at Pete’s Dueling Piano Bar in Addison that’s Dallas area for you non-DF Dub-ers, parked, paid and then went to a greasy burger joint below the bar. Yum, but I had to cut the burger short because of the greasiness; thought that patty would make me poop and uh, that’s a no.

During the burger eating, French fry sharing fest he asked if I drink, to which I replied yes, thinking the question came a little late since he invited me to a bar and all. I did what any other gal would do and returned the question…Oh, no wonder he asked, he’s allergic to alcohol. And, hay and silk are allergens as well.

“So you can never have silk sheets?” *giggle, giggle* yeah that’s me thinking I’m funny.

*giggle, giggle* “Hey, you can’t ever go on a hay ride, can you?” later, still cracking myself up.

Well, it was established he can indeed have a few drinks, but must watch himself and if all else fails and he gets carried away, there’s an EpiPen in his car. I told him to hand over his keys, just in case. Nope.

We made our way back upstairs to conscientiously have drinks and enjoy piano dueling. All was good and nice, but after a long day at the elementary and nonstop clapping at an awards ceremony for the upper grades, I was flat pooped, unable to fully get into the true spirit of the bar. I didn’t share this sentiment for fear of being labeled a dud; however, he suggested going somewhere a little less rambunctious.

We bundled into our coats, freeing our chairs for a fresh faced couple eagerly awaiting a seat and hit the pavement. We decided what we’d do and I told him I’d only do it under the condition he didn’t try any weird shit and no, I wouldn’t leave my car with the valet and ride in his car.

Sidenote: “Don’t go to a man’s house to watch a movie. He’s only using the movie as a guise to get his penis in you” is a statement I jokingly, yet seriously maintain. I’ve also been know to tell my friends to uphold my mottos, “Never trust a guy in all white sneakers”, “Take what you can get” and “Uh, you’re not getting any younger”. Those last two usually go in tandem, but there are exceptions to every rule, especially those last two.

He seemed harmless enough, so I ventured to his house.
Really, a mild mannered, gentleman-ly guy.

We arrive at his house to watch a comedy, All About Steve, and then onto some big head, Steven Segal movie. During the movie watching, we talked and he shared his "story" and of course I divulged nothing because that’s just maladjusted me.

During this chat, I find he’s divorced, which I think I knew ahead of time, but forgot and then was reminded. He’s been without the wife for 3 months. I’m the first date since a Christmas date with a supposed semi-whack job. Yikes.

As the hours passed, I asked if it would be ok if I were to sleep on the couch because I was far too tired to figure my way back home. I slept over on his L shaped couch. Me on one section and he on the other, both of us fully clothed. There was no kissing, hand holding, no touching what so ever. I was completely relieved he didn’t “try any weird shit” as I had warned earlier.

At 6AM, my alarm sounded like usual. Too tired to fully wake, I laid there with my eyes closed.

“Is it alright if I lay beside you?”

“Yes.”

We lay there on the couch, with him holding me and my arm entwined in his.

Yeah, eventually we locked lips a bit after we brushed out teeth, which was swiftly interrupted when I heard the voice on the TV say, "I got kicked out of Boy Scouts for eating Brownies". Really, how could I not laugh? Stupid Segal movies.

I scrammed out of there and went home. He let me follow him out of his neighborhood and then onto the highway, where we parted ways.

The End.

p.s.
I tried really hard not to do anything socially awkward and/or inappropriate. I mostly passed with flying colors ;)

I'd probably hang out with him again. He's okay. We will see. Keep ya posted!

Love Horrors III: On Second Thought...

2010-01-27T18:30:00.000-08:00

We’ve arrived at another Wednesday and do you know what another Wednesday means? Ah, another Love Horror! Hooray

This time around it’s our girl from 20SB, Ashley, at You’re the Charlie Browniest.

Sheesh, that’s a cute blog name, right y’all? It’s about as cute as this story she’s about to share with you! And, how in the heck did she know to include a moral at the end of her story!? So, lets get ready to learn our lesson;

Replicating the Boards: A Love, Actually Mishap

When Stephanie made the call for embarrassing stories about love or unrequited love, I knew this post had to be written. And you should know, blogosphere, that you’re privileged people because I rarely tell this story to anyone. If you weren’t there to witness it, chances are you don’t know it happened. But I’m coming clean now, all for the sake of the wonderful Stephanie (whom I thank muchly for letting guest bloggers take over her space!)

So…we’ve all seen the movie Love, Actually, right? The brilliant, amazing, sweetest movie ever? Do we all remember the scene between Juliet (Keira Knightley) and Mark (Andrew Lincoln) – as pictured? For those who don’t, Juliet is married to Mark’s best friend; all the while, Mark harbors a secret love for her.

In order to get over her, Mark decides to confess his love: using poster boards. He goes to her house, gets her to the front door without her husband, and proceeds to hold up multiple poster boards declaring his love. I promise the scene is actually much better, I’m crap at re-telling movie plots. I highly recommend it.
Somehow in all my viewings of that movie, I missed that he did it in order to get over her.

Pretty early on in my first year of college, I had a core group of friends: 2 other girls and 7 boys. If I was anywhere, at least one of them would be with me. And as all things go, I eventually realized I had a slight crush on one of the boys, who I’ll call Smith. Smith’s roommate was another one part of our group, and I’ll call him Matt. Now, I was often in their room. I mean, I had a thing for Smith, of course I would want to be around him all the time.

Have I mentioned I don’t do subtle? That might come in handy for later.

So I was constantly there, always hanging out with them. They were actually my friends too, so they didn’t mind (I don’t think…). I should have known it was trouble the day I realized I didn’t care when Smith was around…I was actually always looking for Matt. Just like that, my crush switched roommates: now I was all about Matt.

One of my best memories with Matt is when we watched Love, Actually together with a few friends; of course, all the girls had seen it and none of the guys had, so we forced them to watch it. In the end, they all loved it, and it seemed to really strike a chord with Matt.

I don’t know the train of thought, but somehow three of my friends decided that before we left for winter break, I would confess my love for Matt in the same way as Mark did for Juliet.You would think I would immediately veto the suggestion, right? Any sensible woman would.

The night I decided to go through with it was a disaster.

Only Smith and the other two girls in the group knew what I was going to do, so I can’t really blame our friend Ryan when he invited Matt out to a movie that same night and didn’t return until 2am. I briefly considered doing it when they got back, but I knew Matt would be tired. So then I considered not doing it at all, but for some reason—which I most valiantly wish I knew now—I decided I’d just move it to the next day. Even though it felt all wrong, I pushed it aside as nerves.

8pm, the next day. I’m in one of the other friend’s rooms, waiting for Smith to call me to let me know Matt was back in their room. Unfortunately, he was hanging out in a different room with some friends, so I was forced to wait until whenever he returned. Around 10:30, the call came. “Ash, he’s here,” Smith whispered to me. I could hear him closing the door behind him. “You need to do it now, I think he’s tired.”

Without any thought, I left the room I was in and retrieved the necessary supplies: poster boards and Matt’s Christmas gift. I went downstairs to his room, stood outside the door, and took a deep breath.

I knocked twice…Nothing.

Knocked twice more.

Nothing.

Now the panic sets in (about two weeks too late, in retrospect).

What do I do?!

I knew they rarely locked their door, so I quietly opened it and poked my head in. Where was he? I doubt he left—Oh, there he is.

Asleep.

This is sign #4 I shouldn’t go through with this, in case you’re keeping track.

I quickly back out and call Smith. Again, any sensible person would probably give up. But no, not I or my friends—we persevere!

Smith came up with the idea that he would go in the room and start banging things around to wake up Matt, while I stayed just outside the door so I could quickly get to him while he was in a conscious state.

Brilliant.

Smith enters, I hear a few things being tossed around, muffled voices, and Smith is back out the door. “He’s up, you’re on!” he whispers, dashing down the hall.

It’s not a wonder to me that Smith sounded like he was giving stage directions, because at this point, I’m pretty positive my life is one of those horrible chick flick parody movies you wish you hadn’t snuck into. I took two deep breaths, and knocked.

“Oh, hey Ashley,” Matt says as he pulls open the door, rubbing away the sleep in his eyes, “What’s up?”

“Um, can I come in? I want to talk to you. And I have your Christmas gift.”

“Oh, sure…sorry,” he says as he yawns. “I was sleeping, but Smith woke me up.”

“Is this a bad time?”

“Kind of…but you’re here, it’s fine, don’t worry.” He smiles at me, then sees the boards in my hands. “What are those?”

“Uhhh…nothing….well…no, nothing, really…here’s your gift!” I’m not entirely sure, but I may have thrown the present at him.

I have to explain that the minute he saw those boards, I knew he knew what was going to happen. He knew, and I knew, and still, I pushed on.

What number reason are we on that I shouldn’t do this?

After he opens the gift, he smiles and thanks me…and then the awkwardness sets in. I’m sitting on his bed, he’s in his desk chair, and the boards are lying on the bed next to me. It’s now or never, Ashley, now or never.

“So…here’s the thing…I guess I should do this…I mean…yeah, I’m gonna…you know what this is, you recognize it?”

He nods silently. I take a deep breath, hold up the boards…and start.

I wish I could tell you more about the boards, like what they said or his exact reactions, but I’ve apparently repressed it because I don’t have a memory of it. The only thing I do remember is the minute I started holding up the poster boards, I realized I actually didn’t like Matt.

Do you know the weirdness that sets into your body when you’re declaring your feelings for someone in a potentially super romantic situation (because, think about it, if I had liked him, and he did return the feelings, how awesome of a story would this have been?! I know, right?! I’m fucking awesome.), and all of a sudden you know you actually don’t have those feelings? It’s very, very strange. And a bit uncomfortable.

The only thing I do remember is him smiling at me after the last board was read, saying, “Thanks for the gift, I loved it, and you’re really nice,” hugging me…and then he lay down on the bed and promptly fell asleep. Without another word.

Thankfully, only those three friends knew what I was doing, so what happened was kept quiet. Matt never told, and the rest of us swore not to, either. I never admit that was the moment I realized I, in fact, did not have those feelings for Matt anymore; I just let it slowly die, telling them that knowing he didn’t return the feelings made it gradually fade away. Even though the awkwardness level between Matt and I increased significantly, the embarrassment had thankfully stayed relatively low.

That is, until one of our other friends found the boards in my room a couple months later and proceeded to show them to the every single boy on my floor. And the six boys on the floor below. And even two on the floor above. My only saving grace was my quick lie (white lie…a small fib…even self defense, if you will) that I was merely replicating the props used in one of my favourite scenes in one of my favourite movies. No one ever knew the full, true story…until now, anyway.

I still can’t say how I just knew I didn’t like Matt at that moment, nor can I say why I didn’t stop the boards and explain myself. I don’t know why I went through with the boards, but it at least makes a good story now. If there’s anything you should learn from this, it’s this little tidbit of wisdom: replicating movie scenes may result in the same outcome that happened in the movie.

Oh, and throw away the poster boards.

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Asking For Forgiveness In Advance

2010-01-26T19:27:00.000-08:00

How, how, how in the dickens am I supposed to teach The Texas Revolution tomorrow with minimal knowledge of Texas history? Social studies hasn’t been a priority all year and I’m supposed to jump right in with a wealth of knowledge? Fuck, I’m done. Jeepers, sorry for the dirty word. No, not really…you’ll live. Uh, on the upside, the cold eased up a bit and I managed to drag my ass to work this morning.

Speaking of work, today was definitely colorful. While taking the kiddies to the lunchroom, I had a boy say, “Ms. So and So, what’s masturbate mean?” Easily caught of guard, what could I do other than laugh and tell him knows what the word means, it's completely inappropriate to discuss at school and that’s something he needs to do in the privacy of his home, not school.

About thirty minutes later I had another student, a girl, tell me her “privacy” hurt and I was like, “Your what!?”

“Ms. So and So, my privacy hurts.” Holy hell, what do you say to that!? I asked the kid if she had to use the restroom, while trying to think up all the reasons my own crotch would hurt. After securing some privacy, I managed to find out her mom says she needs cranberry juice. Okay, okay, clear picture.

I don’t know what has contributed to my piss poor moods lately. The sickness, the kids, the TX history, the traffic, the food, the weather, the living situation, the oil change I keep putting off, the restlessness, the money, the uncertainty, the love life, the habits, the unpacked boxes…It’s a little everything, I suppose. I really need to start taking my medicine regularly because I’m not used to feeling this shitty. Stop!

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my little rant of the day. Look forward to tomorrow’s Love Horror: Part III.

quick rant

2010-01-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

I swear it’s some variation of the H1N1 lying dormant and then ragingly flares up. This battle has been happening since the very beginning of November and continues today. I’m so incredibly tired of feeling like a heap of shit. Stephanie does not get sick! So, why all of a sudden can my body not hold it together!?

Are those sweet faced children really the cause of this germy situation?
I have no idea who these cuties are, but if you look closely this picture is a hoot!

Love Horrors II: Breakfast In Bed

2010-01-24T05:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, this post is tad lengthy, but chill, bust out those reading glasses and prepare yourself for a good cringe, followed by a hearty laugh, and a bit of sympathy! Male and female readers alike are going to love this doozy!

Saturday’s Love Horror is a little tale from our new friend @ Single Infertile Female. (She’s good!)

Okay, you got your glasses on? Relaxed? Ready? Let's go!

I’ve had a few dating mishaps and disasters (some mine, and some the blunderings of the man of the evening) in my life, but there is one that so completely and totally takes the cake that it is to this day an urban legend told by those who knew me then as a warning to men and women alike about the dangers of drinking and oral sex.

I had just fearlessly moved to Sunny San Diego with my best friend, and we were ready for our lives to begin. We had the beach. We had the bars. We had the boys. As far as we were concerned; there was nothing more in this world to hope for.

There was one bar in particular that we frequented regularly, and there was one boy in those earlier days who had earned a spot in my bed. The boy and the bar were synonymous, as he worked there and was one more reason it was so often our destination of choice. We’ll call him “The Bartender” (you know, just to keep me from getting sued). It was there (at that bar) where we often drank too much, and learned too early to ignore the regret of our decisions.

One night in particular (as the shots were flowing and the room was spinning) The Bartender confided in me that he wasn’t feeling well. Not one to allow a boy to ruin my buzz, I inquired if I would still be able to stay with him that night. My apartment was across town and cab fare was never an option I readily chose if there were other possibilities. He said of course, but that I shouldn’t be planning on much from him beyond sleeping.

The best and I stayed and helped the boys close up the bar, as was often our ritual. Those nights always included more drinks and rousing games of pool. By the time we finally left, it was well after 3AM, and the party just continued on to the home of The Bartender. As promised, he went straight to bed. I agreed to follow when I was tired, but as long as the party was raging I was not one to be left out. The boys continued to drink, and I continued my quest to “hang”. These boys admittedly had more drinking experience than I, and it was only a matter of time before their endurance surpassed my own. Still, I wanted to be a part of the cool crowd for as long as I could manage (a trait I’m sure I was supposed to have outgrown in high school, yet there I was; still trying to be the most popular girl in school).

When 6AM rolled around, the decision was made to swing by a local bar with an early morning start. There we enjoyed bloody mary’s and screw drivers and began a pool and darts tournaments. I was “one of the boys” (a position which I relished), yet I found myself missing the boy, and wondering if his bed and arms were still mine to crawl into; even in the early hours of daylight.

But when I tried to leave, I received boos and hisses and calls for “just one more game”. More drinks were ordered, and I agreed to “hang” for just a bit longer. We played, we drank, and I realized I was starving. The restaurant next door did this bar the courtesy of delivering breakfast orders. So, it was at 9AM that I ordered French toast and eggs for delivery.

I devoured my plate greedily. I had ingested nothing but booze in the last 12 hours, and the food felt “right” in my stomach. It made the haze of the alcohol temporarily start to fade, for just long enough to realize The Bartenders buddy was making a serious play… for me. Disgusted at the disloyalty of boys, I ordered myself 2 more shots (one out of indignation, and one for the road) and went on my way with a plan. I was going to wake The Bartender up, and he was going to be happy I had.

I let myself into his home and crept into his room, where that 6’4” of man was still soundly asleep. I snuck under his sheets and coyly pulled down his briefs without disrupting his slumber. I then began to perform my magic.

It is here where I must pause to say that, I am good at what I do. I have always prided myself on my head-giving abilities, and I have never received anything but rave reviews. In fact, I have dated men who have begged for more; and I am generally happy to oblige. After all, when you’re good at something, you enjoy showing off your talents.

He awoke slowly, and excitedly. He may have been sick the night before, but suddenly he was up and ready. I could tell that I was already making up for abandoning him the night before; I knew within minutes I would have re-earned my rightful place as the coolest girl he knew.

It was as he got more involved and excited though, that I found myself getting more dizzy and nauseous. I refused to believe that anything was amiss, so I continued on as planned, but I found myself coming up for air a bit more than usual. Still, I knew he was close and that this task would soon be completed with a gold star. I plunged ahead. In nearing release his excitement mounted, and that’s when he placed his hands on my head. He had started the descent into loss of control, and he was holding on for dear life; unfortunately, he was preventing me from getting the gasps of fresh air I so desperately needed to maintain balance at that moment. I felt it before I knew what exactly was happening, and then even as I realized it, I couldn’t escape. Within seconds (seconds before he was actually able to climax) The Bartender had breakfast in his lap. Full chunks of French toast and eggs (and the backwash of bloodies and screwdrivers) were there, wedged in between his nether regions.

You have never seen a look of pure horror on a man’s face until you have thrown up on his cock. Neither of us moved for a moment, both stunned into stillness. Finally, he jumped up and ran to the shower. I instinctively followed and jumped in with him (after all, I had some of this mess on me as well). I tried to assist him in cleaning; tried to ease the tension (as I stood in the shower almost fully clothed watching him claw at his own skin). “Don’t touch me” he said, icy and slow. “What do I do?” I begged, “I’m mortified.” Because, even in a drunken haze I still knew how to employ a decent vernacular.

“Get the sheets off my bed.” He said, “And then leave.” I complied. I didn’t even question it. There was nothing I wanted more than to leave. I could tell he was freaking out, and to be completely honest; I wasn’t holding it together so well myself. I found my way home and I busted into the room of my best (whose boyfriend happened to be spending the night). “I threw up on The Bartender.” I shouted, wanting her to wake immediately, “I threw up on his dick!” I stood there, unsure whether to laugh or cry. It was when the two of them started laughing hysterically that I took my cue and chose to find the humor. I laughed for a good 15 minutes with them before going off to my own bed.

When I woke from my slumber the reality of what had happened hit me though. I would have to move. There was no way I could stay in this town now. I would have to move far away and change my name. Never again could I show my face; not in our bar, and not on our beaches, and never to our boys.

I turned into a hermit over the next week, determining the best course of action. It was when I least expected it that my phone rang. It was The Bartender. He wanted me to come over. I immediately leapt at the chance. If he could forgive me, then all would be right in the world again. We talked. We ate. We talked some more. Later in the evening I found a fully drawn cartoon (done by a mutual friend of ours) that depicted the entire incident to a tee, right down to the words “I’m mortified” coming out of a bubble from the mouth of cartoon me. I should have been offended and hurt, but I had thrown up on the man.

And he had still called, just a week later, wanting to see me naked again. What can I say; I’m good at what I do.

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Love Horrors! Part I

2010-01-20T17:12:00.000-08:00

After becoming single in late 2009, as you all know, I decided to jump into this online dating thing without reservations only to find a bunch of nonsensical messages in my inbox. Bummer.
With Valentine’s approach and having no luck in making a “love connection” of my own, I thought it would be a great, marvelous idea to hear the horrific, mortifying, and/or laugh out loud stories of others. Not only does misery love company, what use is living if you can’t get a good giggle going at your own expense? With that said…..

First up is our friend, Michelle @ Desultory Diversions!

A little background on me: I am inherently mistrustful of people, especially men on the internet. I Google the hell out of any guy I’m interested in before deciding to meet him in person, if it even gets that far!

I met a guy on a dating website a couple weeks after my ex and I broke up. At the time, I was more interested in random hookups than a relationship, but stating that brings creeps by the truckloads. One normal guy managed to slip in with the barrage of crazy in my inbox. He was nice, funny and cute so I responded... and visited my best friend, Google.

He'd put his AIM screen name in his profile, which was enough to get me started. My quick search brought up no flags, and he continued to be charming.

We decided to go out for dinner after work, which turned into him coming over for leftover sushi (yeah, I’m a cheap date). Date night: we ate, talked and fooled around.

My roommate got home just as he was leaving. Roomie and I discussed the date and reviewed his online persona together. We stumbled across a page I hadn't seen before, and a flag went up. Small flag, so I let it go... for a day.

I Re-Googled (is that a word yet?) the info I had and then Googled all the new stuff. I wound up with two subtly different sets of information. Rather than completely freak out, I asked him about it. I was totally upfront about my internet stalking and concerns it raised... which freaked him out.

Turns out he'd been seriously stalked by an ex. He'd purposely changed some of his information and deleted (or so he thought) certain profiles so she couldn't find him. My curiosity (crazy lack of trust, whatever) triggered his "run in the opposite direction quickly" instincts, while I was only trying to protect myself. He understood where I was coming from, but was still shaken (which I understood and respected). We put the breaks on the whole thing so he could sort through his shit....

I haven't heard from him since.

Moral of the story: Don't tell your dates about your Google addiction!

Ah, a socially awkward situation frightening off a memeber of the opposite sex, how familiar this is to me! Do you have a similar story? Who did you freak out? ....Please share,comment :)

MLK, you made my day!

2010-01-19T19:10:00.000-08:00

Oh, how thankful I was for the extended weekend! I really don't know what one does to celebrate MLK day, but my friend and I made it a day of snackin', shoppin', and sippin' in Dallas. After Friday night's antics, I spent Saturday feeling what I imagine a narcoleptic feels. I tell you, I couldn't stay awake for a thing, which by the way was really bad of me because I had a baby shower to attend :/Chips, warms salsa & booze @ Margarita Ranch, yum! Although my stomach was on the fritz I still partook in the good time with my friend. I also spotted a hot, handsomely lunching alone. Double yum!

(My pictures are out of order) We stared out in Oak Cliff @ El Ranchito. The restaurant's ambiance is awesome, as are their chips & salsa, but these nachos blew. I ate about 2 of these cheese covered chips and the rest ended up in the trash. Strangely enough, I'd go back just to give the place a chance for redemption since it looks so cool.

This little puppy is Spike, however I call him Justin. He belongs to my brother's fiancee. She won't let me have him. I try. Anyway, they recently bought a house and the mothers went over to help paint. I went over to eat grilled cheeseburgers, be nosey and attempt some lesson planning.

Instead of being useful, I played on the tire swing and attempted to get on the roof, but was too frightened remembering my fear of heights. Instead, I asked M2 to take my picture while I tried to look like I was diligently doing home repair. Stupid idea.

So, there you have it between the last post and this on you've seen my entire weekend... almost ;)

The Dirty Thirty

2010-01-16T09:26:00.000-08:00

My social calendar took a plunge when I moved home with Mom. No, not because everyone suddenly decided I’m a major lame ass and loser for living at home, several factors fell into play keeping me home; the comforts of Mom, sickness, laziness, sleepiness and work. Last night was a different story; there was finally a good dose of partying it up with friends in a surprise celebration for The N’s 30th birthday!

We met at the infamous Rainbow Lounge in Ft. Worth, a local bar catering to the gays. The N got to be center of attention on the dance floor, as she received multiple lap dances from females and males alike. All sorts of vag and penis in the face, pants unfastened with teeth, spinning, gyrating, vibrating, dry humping, basically the whole kit and caboodle. Lucky! I made a video with my cam and it’s pretty bad, but if you turn off your sound and be patient, you can see what I’m talking about:

Now, let’s get down to biznas… Having shared what I dancing fool I am a dance video has been requested multiple times. Well friends, I’ve finally come through. In this vid, I’m standing around a cluster of friends who can’t seem to make it to the dance floor. BOO! on you party poopers! Again, not the greatest of videos, but here’s a tiny glimpse of the terribleness.

Me & The Birthday Babe

God only knows what this is about.

Some fancy, slick moves.

"I have no control over me belt or my leg!", was what I was yelling after I probably made some little fella uncomfortable. I later apologized for being so fresh, but I wouldn't have gotten so fresh if he wasn't looking as uncomfortable as he did. I refuse to take full responsibility for my actions.

I'm like a little devil on his shoulder...Def looking mischievous

This is the whole pants being undone. Thank goodness The N was wearing underpants!

Woot Woot!

I have a thing for puny gays. We made some friendlies.

The lot.

Yeah, nonsmoking Steph was puffing the cigs. Ugh, did I feel like a giant heap of shit this morning when I woke up! At least it wasn't crack or something...Hopefully tonight will be equally as fun & I wish you all a good weekend, too!

Don't forget I'm taking love horrors...vlogs, poems, artwork, stories or whatever you got to give! Viva La Valentine :) send to nottheoxygen@gmail.com

Valentine, Valentine

2010-01-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

Although I haven’t been blogging, I’ve continued to religiously think of Not the Oxygen and you, my friend! As you already may have figured out my relationship status is quite a sad one; I live with my mom, I’m technically unemployed and I’m just not dateable. So, to be a good sport and stay in the spirit of things, I’ve decided to blog about Valentine’s Day kind of stuff, like LOVE!!!

If you have a love horror story you’d like to contribute please, please share! When I say horror, I don’t mean I want to hear about abuse, divorce or traumatic events…I wanna know the good, juicy, embarrassing stuff, and the stories of unrequited love!

C’mon give it to me! nottheoxygen@gmail.com

Oh, and here’s a great love poem, Mad Libs style, to get you into the groove of things

My Love
Your skin glows like the banana, blossoms sticky as the peony in the purest hope of spring.

My heart follows your trombone voice and leaps like a whale at the whisper of your name.

The evening floats in on a great pirate's parrot wing.I am comforted by your undershirt that I carry into the twilight of laundry basketbeams and hold next to my elbow.

I am filled with hope that I may dry your tears of kool aid. As my lung falls from my trousers, it reminds me of your television. In the quiet, I listen for the last sneeze of the day.My heated ear leaps to my panty hose. I wait in the moonlight for your secret house plant so that we may creep as one, ear to ear, in search of the magnificient orange and mystical lamp of love.

Still Around

2010-01-14T15:32:00.000-08:00

My dearest friends, I’m sorry to have neglected you. You’ll forgive me, won’t you? These past few weeks have been some of the happiest, yet completely trying. If we’re friends on Facebook you may have seen this morning’s status update:

slept for 12+ hours....so odd for me

For real, yesterday, I came home, made some Jiffy Pop and then went to bed all before 6pm.

I love being at the school everyday, however being there is actual work, which I haven’t done in years thanks to my former cushy position in the garage door biz. I can tell the kids are beginning to come around, warm up to me- they ask a barrage of questions and share unnecessary information. It’s sweet!

“What kind of car do you drive?” as I return from lunch.
Pointig to the word ‘handyman’ in a book, “This looks like your last name Ms. So&So.”
“Do you live with your mom?”
“Do you really have a dog or did you make that up?”
“Are you going to work here next year?”
“Do you live in a dorm or at home?”
“Are you his mom?”
“Where do you go to school?”
“What’s your first name?”
“Is that your real hair?”

To be fair, I ask them a lot of questions as well. I’m just as nosey.

So, thing have been great at work, but the online love life is another story!

The Lazy, Honest Scrap

2010-01-09T12:49:00.000-08:00

It appears I’m not dateable in the online world. I mean, for real, there has been no luck what so ever! Even the weird guys have fallen off the map...for the most part. How can this be? Okay, don’t tell me because I’ll be the first to admit I can’t handle the truth.

And since I’m on the subject of truth, let me offer you 10 Steph Factoids because my brother form another mother (and father), http://mykafkaesquelife.blogspot.com/, tagged moi! My pit hair took an eternity to sprout. There was no real necessity to shave the pits until I reached my late teens/early twenties. At 28 and a little more than a half, I only have 1 armpit in need of routine shaving; the left armpit hair has yet to really grow.

I saw Cabaret at the local community college and knew then and there the stage had been calling upon deaf ears. Why am I such a fool? Why hadn’t I listened!? Probably because I can’t sing or dance and know I’d be a flop. I’d go for a career in stand- up as well, but I’m not that funny. Yeah, the stage...a delusional calling I often dream of.

I don’t fear pooping in public restrooms. If I gotta go, I gotta go. Hey, you asked for truths!

Between lack of TV watching and a faulty car radio, I’m totally unaware of any current events. It’s sort of nice to be clueless.

I know panty lines are against all rules and regulations, but thongs gross me out. Only out of necessity do I own and wear these underpants. The specifics of thong wearing is a sobering thought. That’s all I’m going to say.

Here’s a controversial one! Now, this is something I rarely, if ever discuss and when and if I do, I bite my tongue…I’m not pro-choice.

I’m a scared-y cat to the max. I avoid horror and suspense like nobodies business but strangely enough I love watching shows about real murders.

I really, really, really want to live in the country so I can buy a baby brown cow.

Whoa, this truth isn’t going to be pretty. I apologize in advance, Mother. Okay, I once had to pee soooo bad while doing the 2AM, after the bar, Whataburger taquitos sound so good trip through the drive through that I got out of the car to urinate between vehicles. Embarrassing.

This final fact is G-rated. Ya ready? I love popcorn, plain popcorn. MMMM :D

So there you have it, 10 Steph Factoids.

girls

2010-01-05T19:07:00.000-08:00

Dear, dear, dear I’m exhausted and it’s only Tuesday! I feel neglectful in not only my reading, but my writing. Here goes:

As you may or may not know, against the many wishes of others I quit my day job, bar it wasn’t for a lounge singing gig, so I may still be okay on this one; I’ve started an internship at the school I’ve been working at since August.

Oh, these kids…

I full heartedly work my hardest to not be judgmental of parents, but some of the things I observe cause night terrors! Okay, that statement became a tad extreme and a slight dramatic. Seriously though, I’m constantly making a mental “Parental Do/Don’t Do List”. Even with this mental list, realistically, I know I’ll fudge up along the way. Shit, I don’t really do lists. I’m more of a “let’s wing it!” sort of person.

Before I go off track, let me make my point quickly before you lose interest, but let me preface this point by saying this first going off topic again…. I’ve returned to the grade 4’s here comes the sappy stuff and I truly think they’re beautiful, fun little people with tons of potential, granted it’s properly fostered. I genuinely want them all to grow into happy, positive minded, productive contributors to society.

It breaks my heart to think and know this guy in the picture was someone’s baby, just like these kids I’m with. Being the sensitive goon I am, this thought makes me cry just thinking about it. Hell, I’m teary now and thanking God, I didn’t go into social work.

Sheesh, why can’t I stay on track? It’s because I don’t blame the kids for what I’m about to say, I blame the parents, but then again try to give Ol’ Mom and Dad the benefit of the doubt. Forgive me, I can’t stay with the point it because I don’t want to be misinterpreted that’s it!

For Pete’s sake, here here's the deal!

It freaks me the flip out to see 4th grade girls in make-up. I’m yucked out beyond belief seeing hot pink zebra striped acrylic nails attached to a little girl. Skinny jeans and 1.5 inch high boots are, in my opinion, not for little girls. Waxed eyebrows are also a no in my book. Temporary tattoos placed behind the ear, another no.

Can’t.Handle.This.

I Do What I Wanna Do & Your Reading Comprehension Sux Delux

2010-01-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

In regards to a prior post

Anonymous said...
you're a creep for posting this stuff. how mean of you.

December 31, 2009 1:14 PM

image courtesy of
found.com

Dearest Anonymous,
It’s in no way nice to name call therefore you aren’t very nice either :/

-Steph

AND on a more positive note, check out StSaint's Relationships Blog Carnival where you can read yours truly and some other fun stuff!

What I Did

2009-12-29T18:10:00.000-08:00

My holiday consisted mostly of cookies :/

I’m slightly festive deficient and don’t think there’s been much mention of Christmas ‘round here, if any. Hold on tight, this is the picture heavy post I mentioned a few days ago and it’s ALL ABOUT CHRISTMAS! Christmas Eve, north Texas had a wild snow storm! Well, if you wan to get technical, it was pretty weak, but wild by Texas standards. I, Stephanie, lay on the near the fire place, dozing on and off, feeling sickly and watching a marathon of The First 48. I had a number of crumpled tissues in my vicinity. It was an ugly sight. Things went for cold, boring and uncomfortable to pure excitment because silly me temporarily forgot about Novelista Barista's Secret Santa Swap & my present arrived!!

My santa was the generous lady behind StutteringShell.com, Michelle, and let me tell you, she knows how to pick out some gifts! Thank you :D

Christmas morning, Mom woke me up 30 minutes before my alarm was set to strike. I was annoyed, but quickly reminded myself Mom has no little excited babies, plus the Mom’s spent their hard earned cash; I got up and moseyed towards the Christmas tree. Our first falsie ever by the way.

Next up was a 15 minute power nap before my grand exit with ExB. I got to see ICE! at Gaylord Texan. Oh, it is beautiful, so, so beautiful, wondrous, magical, A+ excellent. We also had a great buffet breakfast at the Riverwalk Café located inside of this monster hotel *sigh*

Gaylord Texan- ICE! from Steph on Vimeo.

My Favorite.

2009-12-28T20:21:00.001-08:00

This post is rather simple, but let me explain...

I got a message from one of the dating cites & decided to copy and paste it into my collection for potential future usage. Look:

(subject)MAY I SAY
Your the beauty in beautiful,when a man dreams of a woman,it's your face that he see's.......

Later, I read this guy's profile. That's it...he's flippin' awesome! No, not awesome like the 60 year old man posing for pics by flexing his muscles whole holding a sign which reads "Arnold". Yes, as in Schwarzenegger- no joke, y'all. But awesome as in legitimately funny. Of course he's all wrong :D Nonetheless, read this and tell me you don't smile!?

about me:Who like's doing this dating and looking thing, but we have to do, what we have to do, so maybe it will not be all that painful, maybe the right woman will just look over my page and I have to tell you, it's the page with the not so good looking picture's of me I hate taking picture's and I'm a big brother who stands 6 feet 5 and I do workout and I'm a ex-Marine ,but on camera I'm like huge!!!!! "there's that word we men like to use, lol" but maybe the woman who loves a big strong and loving real man, will just help get me off this site and into a loving relationship.

I love being creative and some what different, never have been to one, but would like to try maybe going to a wine tasting or taking a trip out of the county and not doing the tourists thing, but taking the off road path and seeing what other's have not seen or how about driving down the street on a rainy night, pulling over in front of a park and taking our clothes off and running around the park butt naked!!!!! ohh wait, not trying to get locked up, lol and yes I like playing around and joking around, so don't run away, just kidding, but I do like being creative in a good way.

So here we go!!! help make this not so painful ladies I'm looking for a sweet and oh so loving lady, one who comes with a room full of love, for the right man and a woman who knows a good man when she's meet's one, please don't come at me with mind games, only games I enjoy would be a good game of cards, you don't have to cook all that well I do love cooking myself, just come in the kitchen with me and keep me company, do you like holding hands? well so do I. like seeing your one and only? well I miss you already, remember sometimes just what your looking for, is right there in front of your beautiful face and with my size how could you miss me, lol

Ok let me get off of here, have to get dressed, after all I have to pick you up for our first date, stop reading and get dressed!!!!I'm on my way. E.

See earlier today, a friend said I was making fun of males and that's so not true. I'm more or less having a good laugh at myself and my inability to rope one... a suitable suitor though, not just any old random. I honestly think this guy is sincere, although silly. I thoroughly enjoy his profile and instead of ignoring his message I may kindly respond however making it very clear I have no interest what so ever. Maybe I should refer him to blogger.com while I'm at it!

Thanks for reading guys
I'm going to get to you shortly if I haven't already :)

Oh crap, one last thing! I forgot to add this little jewel also found in his profile:

my education:Self made Millionaire...........ok, about this millionaire part......how about SELF MADE DOLLARAIRE

You're smiling, arent you?

Fe2 + O2 = Fe2O3 + heat FAIL!

2009-12-27T15:39:00.000-08:00

To answer a question unanimously asked, yes, things really are as bleak as they appear. Clearly there hasn’t been any sort of substantial connection, this is all honesty; copied and pasted for your delight.

Now granted, there have been a few slight sparks I saved for myself and calling them sparks is by far a stretch, but I was holding out hope :/ Gosh, what’s smaller than a spark? Perhaps I can refer to these smaller than sparks as random pieces of flint happening into my lap without a piece of steel to get things sparking? Oh, for the love of science and survival skill!

So yeah, there was a date and again, this whole date thing is a stretch. The sap was late and had the nerve to show up with a friend. I had just finished quickly gulping a pineapple drink, signed my drink receipt and was about to hit the pavement when this lad shows up. (and, Lad is what I shall refer to him as since he reminded of just that, a boy)

*Side note: Remember Barf Boy wanted me to meet up with him and his friend? Is this some sort of trend I’m unfamiliar with? Aren’t we adults? Can adults not meet and hang out without a friend in tow? I hate dating and the very idea of it!
To my surprise, bringing the friend along was a great idea considering the friend was full of spunk and conversation, just like I like. On the other hand, friend is married and yuck on that!

Lad, although easy on the eyes, fell flat on the ears since he wasn’t much of a talker. He repeatedly told me I was much hotter than he imagined and 10 times skinnier. These two statements were on repeat. Yes, I'm cute and yes, I'm on the smaller side...I think most women want to hear this, but when it's all you ever hear it's not much of a compliment. I’d like to think I have the teeniest of tiniest bit of substance worth some sort of acknowledgement. Ugh.

All in all, I don't see this going anywhere worth mentioning.

Curly Toes

2009-12-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

Alright, better get back to it.

Gosh, my head is empty.

I received a few more colorful messages during my holiday break. Let’s dissect these bad boys together, shall we? And then, surely my brain will be stimulated enough to think of what else to ramble about.

Dec. 23, 2009 – 7:51pm

hey girl!!!! i have a very cute friend that I am trying to find a cool girl for. he is very outgoing and very fun to be around. he is 34, 6'1" 210 short brown hair and blue eyes. if you might be interested feel free to ask anything that you would want to know and i will do my best to answer it for you!!! i will tell you that my friend is a great guy...probably the best guy i have ever met. he has no problem meeting girls he just keeps meeting girls that want to play games and lie. he isnt like that and wont put up with it. he is very honest and upfront with everyone and wants someone that is the same way. if you want to talk to a great guy that is very cute let me know...i can promise you now you wont be disappointed!!! Okay, I'm not going to even try to touch this one...Ill let y'all take care of it.

wow, you're on fire !
You're off the hook, hot ! Hi, my name is Momma's Boy....you sound like you're looking for the same things as me... Just what am I looking for? At 42, you’re too old anyway and this statement is a question?

…I'm 6'5'', 6'9'' with hair, blonde, blue eyed, muscular, affectionate, and curly toed...I grew up on the beach in Miami...went to college in NY...moved all over the place working my way up the markets...I'm a tv sportscaster...I can send photos...I just can't post them... A 6’5” dude is pretty fucking big, a 6’9” dude is freakishly tall, which is it man? And, just what do you mean by “curly toed”? At 6’9” with curly toes, baby, you’re painting a bad, bad picture.

I'm fun...like you, workout nut...when I'm not in the gym, ... I'm on the golf course...no baggage...never been married... will definately make you laugh...! How 'bout lunch ? golf ?? dinner ? starbucks ? Rangers Game...workout together ?? Bah, no.

you're incredibly beautiful, sexy, and intriquing...I would love to learn more about you...... WoW...great pics...are you sure you're not a model on the side... my Mom (works for Barbizon) could get you work ! Really, your mom?Oh Lord, give me a break.

Momma's Boy of Happy Valley Ranch !

Steph of Happy Hurst! (Really, what's happy about it?)

question.

are we total dorks/losers because we are on a dating website on christmas eve?

unfortunately, i think the answer is a big fat YES :-)

merry christmas stephanie.

this is depressing!!! Okie

Speak for yourself, Okie.

Forgive the lack of material, things have been slow around here. I've had to cut the meat and potatoes of any decent post because I managed to lose the battery charger for my digital cam. We've got a photo heavy post just 'round the corner...get your eyes rested and see you soon!

P.S.
Someone may have had a date... ;)

Lowered Expectations?

2009-12-22T18:28:00.000-08:00

I had to find/add this vid after reading (funny)Arnetta's comment on the previous post, The Tale of Tea Bag:

Serious, guys, I'm beginning to think the 2nd site I signed up for is some sort of sex site. This evening, I got yet another request for some boo-tay from another picture -less, married, forty year old.

I don't have the patience to ride this one out. Between the outright weirdos and wife cheating sex fiends, I just don't have it in me. LOL Must be slim pickin's during the holiday season- that's what I'm going to tell myself- Remember, keeping the faith?

Okay, so instead of posting another married dude's pathetic quest for poon, you can read this little gem that came my way this afternoon:

In short, I was just strolling through BLAHBLAHBLAH basically minding my own business, when i slipped on those stairs - tumbled down, i grabbed a tablecloth for some reason pulling hummus and tortilla soup down upon me.. I looked up from my embarrassing position, wiping soup from my eyes - and there was this smiling profile picture looking back at me. Above the picture it said: ohmysteph. And I thought to myself - wow this is fortunate, this young lady seems awesome... But what should i write to her...My name is ********.How are you today?

After a smidge of self reflection, Mr. Rico Suave recanted his statement in another message sent roughly 3 hours later:

dangit that sounded kinda lame-o huh?I try and invent these literary non-sequitors when i really want to grab a gal's attention. A good strategy perhaps - but high probability to fall flat.. When I went back and reread this one in particular i'm not liking the way it sits on the ears... Anyhow..

I'm calling it quits for a while. I know I'm getting worn out....don't wanna bore y'all to death with my sad bunch of unsuitable suitors.

Stephanie

The Tale of Tea Bag

2009-12-21T20:30:00.000-08:00

Hey friendlies!

There’s kinda been a lag on info to share. We can thank the holidays for this. I got some kind of cold/allergy thing, Friday, while at work, which totally ruined my mojo and caused me to spend yet another weekend in bed instead of the dance floor.

Unbeknownst to most, this thing that struck Friday caused me to fall behind on my training. Secrets out; Steph has been running. See one day not so long ago, I said to myself, “Steph, what’s done is done. Times have been rocky, but get yo shit together” and that’s just what I did. I’d been diligently working on one of my new goals and POOF! I fell ill.

Enough rambling already. I have to take it easy on y’all because I don’t have a lot to say, but somebody else does…Prep your eyeballs!

Monday morning, still feeling shitty with a throbbing headache, I called in sick. Upon my second waking, I opened my e-mail. Oh shizzle, let me back up! I joined another site to compare and contrast this whole online thing. Alright, I get a message from a newbie on the new site. See, I take y’all's recommendations. I will call this one Tea Bag.

Like a total flippin’ moron in the heat of the disgusting moment, I deleted his message. Fiddle sticks! Either way, the profile is nearly a carbon copy of what ol' Tea Bag sent. His message included several points of contact, which I wouldn’t include anyway because even if I don’t agree with certain folks, I do respect privacy. Here goes....

Please take time to read this carefully -

Hey there! I'm a Mechanical Engineer originally from England, (you'll love my accent ;o) lol), enjoying what I have but looking for more. I currently run a manufacturing facility on the border of Irving and North Dallas, my second job in my life, read steady and conservative here - at least on the outside :o)

I'm 45 (that scares me lol !!!) but far from giving up on life - inside im still a horny, fun 19yo college guy, and still attracted by piercings and/or tattoos, though thats not a prerequisite lol, just reminds me of my college years in Europe.

I'm your typical married/waking up alone, husband (read separate bedrooms over 10 years now). My wife and I are no longer in love, but we both have needs, too. We both have had our separate lovers over the years, (and have not slept with each other in 10 years) and I'm looking to replace my partner and bring pleasure for all parties concerned. We are not swingers or anything like that - simply like brother and sister living under the same roof - dont argue so it's still a good enviroment to raise kids.

I have had 3 girlfriends in the passed 8 or 9 years, so I am in no way simply "playing the field", just currently without and looking. I want both parties to understand where we stand, and I'm not going to immediately leave my wife and kids, no matter how much I'm taken with you. That said, it doesn't mean that staring a new life with you in the future if we fall in love is out of the question - just in the future.I will try to leave you feeling that you cant wait to meet me again :o)

Pics are readily available to swap once we have contact ;o)

OMG YOU FLIPPIN' WON! Revolution Garden Give-Away

2009-12-19T21:17:00.001-08:00

My friends, our time has come to an end.

I must announce the winner of that super sassy hair pin made by my gal, Sally, at Revolution Garden!

The trendy and stylish duo, Sally & Katie, who are Revolution Garden, run an adorably posh Etsy shop selling beautifully crafted accessories, décor, party supplies, artwork, masks and more. They’re crafty as all heck and accept custom orders!

See what I mean: Without further ado, the winner is a very sweet, cute, creative lady from my home state, Lille of WoodstockLily.com!!! Alright Lille, get ready to pin this feathery fun on your head :D

In true 50 Cent fashion al la In da Club, lets give Lille a big ol'

Go, go, go, go

Go, go, go shawty

It's your birthday

We gon' party like it's yo birthday

We gon' sip Bacardi like it's your birthday

And you know we don't give a fudge It's not your birthday!

Onto my next give-away item! Those of you that have been following me know this is one of my favorite thrift store finds. It's such an oddity, I feel the jar is something that must be passed on to creats quizzical looks and hearty laughs.

Maxie from ihatesomuch.com, you win! Ja-Ja-JACKPOT!! And let me tell y'all Maxie does a damn fine Lady GaGa...in fact Lady GaGa ain't got shit on Maxie and her blogger face! I also believe she was my 20sb Secret Santa from last year <3

Thank you for entering. I wish I could give you all something :/

Rambling Update

2009-12-19T06:52:00.000-08:00

Barf Boy has gone by the wayside. I’ve been chatting up another interesting character I shall dub Kosh.

See, Barf Boy would only communicate via text, until the night he was in my area visiting a friend of his and decided he was ready to have an impromptu hang out or something with moi. Shea right!

Although I enjoyed our banter by way of text, in my opinion, the situation grew shady. Yes, we’re in the age of technology, but sheesh, call a sista, chat her up and what not. Don’t all of a sudden ring her up a random evening and expect her to head out to meet you, a stranger, and your boy at God knows where. The end.
Ok, ok, onto my latest victim, Kosh. We actually spoke on the phone after sharing some fun emails. Again, I probably divulged a little too much, but I think it’s best I let a person know what they’re getting their self into, right?

"I don’t talk about Jesus or politics. I voted for Obama, but it was for superficial reasons I’m not ashamed to admit. I’ve been known to hit up the local Wal-Mart on a Friday night only to gorge on a dozen cupcakes, alone, in front of a television set. So, that kinda talking I can do."

"I'm kind of a ham at times...an attention whore if you will, minus the drama and actual whore-ishness that comes with being an actual whore."

.....Moving along

I've always heard the saying "on paper" thus decided to see just how Kosh & I look "on paper". Peep this :

I've got to admit we look pretty good together! Problem is, I think this is more of a friend connection than a potential love connection. I can be a tad eccentric, but I think he surpasses me by far. Either way, Kosh seems receptive to a friendship and isn't necessarily looking for the love of his life; for him, a friendship will suffice. See evidence below:

"Idk...I don't date a lot in Dallas (I spend a lot of time in NYC too when I fly in to do some little opening shows and such) but I find I don't have a lot in common with Dallas ladies for whatever reason. And by 'whatever reason' i mean they all seem to be kinda right-wingy Christian-right Obama hating stiff lipped douchebag broads who want their dudes driving Hummers and wearing Tag Huer watches (I still don't know how to properly pronounce that watch name!)"

I look forward to "go dick around sometime and cause some trouble!", as he put it. I imagine he'd be a great dance partner. Y'all know I love to get jiggy wit it..na na na na na ;)

Find the Red Flags!

2009-12-17T20:08:00.000-08:00

Feast your eyes on these snippets from the online dating site I recently joined..Bear in mind, these are the gentlemens' first impression!

NO GAMES! I am a professional African-American MAN (certainly not on the fence, not "metro" or "homo" sexual. I am not consumed by material things, however, I do have a shoe fetish and love nice suits... Is this a possible "homo"phobe or is he just a real "man's man"? And, a shoe fetish *puh-lease, brother.

Throwing it all out, no secrets - married twice, divorced twice. 3 beautiful kids, I have a 9 yr old son and 15 year old daughter from my 1st marriage. I have a soon to be 3 yr old son from my las... Glad that 2nd divorce came through, guy!

Continued favorite things: Levi's 569 Loose Fit Jeans 32x34 (I buy them like they're going out of style, which as far as I'm concerned, never will, I love bidding for them on Ebay, so don't be poachin...Um, seriously?

WELL, SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ON PAROLE FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T TAKE VALIUM LIKE IT'S A PEZ DISPENSER, AND SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A 'SOONER'! I MEAN, YUK!! In closing, I like someone who kno...The dating pool has just thinned significantly.

Yes, I'm single and Yes, I'm looking. I worship romance and seduction, I can be extremely flirtatious and know how to please, excite and tease. I'm a lover that is a harmonious soul who adores love, I'm also a worshiper of romance & seduction, but I'm gonna sit this one out.

Behold my future:

Keeping the faith I'll one day be someones LaFawnda,
Steph

The Pawn

2009-12-17T19:55:00.000-08:00

I’m still at it; scrolling through a sea of duds in the online dating world. Alas, is there an end in sight? An early exit? Time to call it quits?

Nope, haven’t roped one yet.

On the other hand, Ma snagged one for me; a tire changing fella covered in black, greasy smudge by the name of JJ.

I don’t know what she said to talk me up, but claims this phone number transaction was, “based on me; my looks and charming personality”. -This must be where my spurts egotism comes from.

Not only did the old gal try to hook me up with the tire changer, he was also given a glimpse of me via camera phone picture: This is utterly horrible. Not only can I not get a tire changed in the entire vicinity of H.E.B, I can’t shop at Albertson’s, nor can I enter a gas station, for she tries to match make me with these randoms. Mother, I am not a pawn in your grocery store chicken dinner, ham slicing, cigarette buying, tire changing world.

What's New? Nothing.

2009-12-16T08:54:00.000-08:00

I noticed how lame things have been around here; a real fucking ghost town, guys. Why hasn’t anyone said something? Ok, ok, I shouldn’t blame y’all, I should take full responsibility for my lack of interesting posts, but not much has been happening. At least nothing happening I wish to relive. The nail salon that doesn’t take credit cards, but doesn’t bother to tell you until you’re already “did”, the discussion of Ambien sex and blow jobs with my two moms (why did I even bother to divulge this information?), saying goodbye to my little grade 1 puppies who harass me about my marital status...I mean really, nothing blog worthy. Plus, my weekend was sort of a bust; no fodder there.

Subsequently, through much suggestion from others and a little hesitation on my part, I joined a dating website. GOD, HELP ME! Now, I’ve relegated myself to searching through horribly executed member profiles chock full of misspelling of words such as “intertaining” and a number of dreadfully selected photographs. The cheesiest being of topless men, bathroom mirror self portraits and the ultimately uber creepy “I’m gonna take a lonely, low grade photo of myself in my bedroom with this here web cam” photos that scream, “psycho killer!”

I have no special expectations. I figure I’ll just wait and see what comes of this new undertaking. I’m not much of a dater and feel mostly socially unacceptable. For example, here is a snippet of a text session from yesterday afternoon:

Internet @ 3:57- “Cupcakes. Milkshakes. Someone’s got a sweet tooth. How do u stay so skinny?”

Steph @ 3:57- “I barf.”

Steph @ 3:58- “I get it from my dad’s side.”

Steph @ 4:01“My dad’s side is thin, not bulimic.”

I was joking, right, but what in the world would cause me to say such a thing to a virtual stranger who is completely unaware of my sense of humor? I’m a lousy flirt; lack charisma, just out right goofy and bizarre. Otherwise, when I’m not making an ass of myself, I clam up, lack all personality and refuse to divulge any information out of fear of my socially unacceptable behavioral patterns, which also doesn’t put me in a good light. I’m doomed. I need to find a good middle ground.

See, I wondered how I manage to attract a plethora of freaks and weirdos, but I now realize it’s entirely my fault. Although I see myself as cute as all heck and fun, I think the Stephanie Vibrations say something else, go from one extreme to the other; spaztastic chat machine or standoffish. So yeah, when I go out and get crunknificent on the dance floor and then wonder why I have an odd bespectacled man following me around the club with a flower he’s fashioned out of a drink napkin I have no one to blame but myself. When I got out and rarely get a second glance while I’m huddled in a corner somewhere, also my fault. I need a self help book, a special sort of companion…something, Lord, please anything!

Fortunately, like I said, my expectations aren’t high. It’s not like I’m trying to get hitched. Hell, I don’t even know what my motives are. A friendship will suffice.

PS
Get your shit together
& enter my give-away.
All you have to do is
scroll down!

It's Almost Goodbye For Us, Weekend :/

2009-12-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

As you know, I'm all moved in, still mostly packed-up, uni is out and after nesting alone last weekend, I'm getting back into the swing of things.

Friday was a long, long day spent with 18 kids, meeting up with Sally, the maker of the Revolution Garden give-away prize, and then onto a get together to celebrate the growing of a little baby inside her momma's tummy, a wedding, a no longer broken arm and the departure of chicken pox.

I had a nice time and am thankful for the parents who put this night together. I had to call it quits after 2 hours to make it to another engagement, but was pooped by the time I finally made it home. I slept. Running since 7AM, a day full of buzz followed by a night of wine and jump rope will really put a girl down. I desperately tried to get my mojo back Saturday, alas it waned as the day progressed. Visiting Pour House in Fort Worth didn't provide the jump start longed for. Hot and handsome hunks few and far between with minimal room for dance, I stayed glued to my chair.

On the upside, it's always great to have pineapple drinks and get crunknificent with your homies.

Wishing everyone a WONDERFUL week,

Stephanie :D

It's Official!

2009-12-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

I claimed Sunday a holy day and therefore my sexual days of the week were to cease, however, my brother decided he would call this day, “Sexting Sunday”. In the spirit of this newly proclaimed day, sext away! I’m gonna sit this one out y’all.

I found some great sexting acronyms at esarcasm.com, to help such as:

MPICIMFP
my penis is caught in my flip phone
PIB-STV
phone in butt – set to vibrate
HWHGFSL
Hit wrong hole; girlfriend still limping
BJ2NITE
I find the study of early American history utterly fascinating, don’t you?

I unknowingly used a sexting acronym not so long ago- I thought asking, “do you fb?” was completely self explanatory. Thus, my one and only sexting experience was a wash. I was just trying to find out if someone had a Facebook.

Revolution Garden Give-Away!

2009-12-10T11:40:00.000-08:00

I’ve entered give-away after give-away only to win…nothing, but hey, that’s part of the fun. I’m no sore loser, plus it’s kinda like a lotto ticket, right!?

So, join in the fun, take a gamble and enter my give-away!

I spent time with a talented friend, Sally, who sells the cutest of cute vintage-inspired handmade accessories from hair pins to home accents, party supplies and decor, original artwork, jewelry, and more with her painting pal, Katie via their Etsy shop, Revolution Garden.

In the midst of catching up on girl talk, we discussed what would be given away. Here’s what we came up with:

Turquoise is such a hot, versatile color, especially in this dreary, cold weather. You’re gonna look sassy at a holiday party (or anywhere for that matter!) with this bad boy clipped to your head!

If a hair pin isn’t for you, that’s fine. I understand! You can also enter to win the infamous “Pizza Farts” jar mentioned at my former blogging locale. You can enter to win both items.

To enter, leave a comment specifying which item you'd like to win, check out the girls' work @ Revolution Garden, and spread the word- *ahem*we all love our pages being linked :D

**give-away ends Friday, 12-19-09**

Revolution Garden's Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/Precious?ref=nf&v=box_3#/RevolutionGarden?v=wall&ref=ts

Fa-fa-freezing!

2009-12-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

I made myself a snow ball as perfect as could be.

I thought I'd keep it as a pet

and let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas

and a pillow for it's head.

Then, last night it ran away.

But first

-- it wet the bed.

Shel Silverstein

I detest winter, holidays are the pits, I'm a kind of a Scrooge & don't care. However, enthusiam of 6 and 7 year olds soften you a bit. This is a cute little poem the kids recite in class. It cracks me up!

BTW

I found this image from The Snowy Day on a random blog. If you've got a a minute, check it out here! Somebody made a short 2 minute movie of the story & it's really sweet.

And Like It?

2009-12-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

I saw this bubble (Tues.) & immediately realized these should be my words. I'm such the subconscious sabotage-er!

And then, I saw this quote (Wed.) after a water cooler discussion:

"I got involved with someone I never expected to get involved with, and
it was that kind of awakening...I never fought it
because it was like, 'Oh, I understand why I had the issues I had early in
life.' I had a great deal of difficulty connecting with men in
relationships." -Meredith Baxter

Meredith caused me to really question my sexuality. I wondered if I'm repressing some hidden desire, depriving myself of hot lesbo action. I never had the opportunity to kiss a girl and like it. Thus, time was spent staring off into space imaging things women to do one another in a sexual situation, and well, there's no rush to change teams.

Yeah, I've had a tendency to sabotage...

P.S.

I loved Family Ties as a child and as an adult. You, too, can watch full episodes @ http://www.cbs.com/classics/family_ties/ **Thank you Lord, Jesus! Viva La Family Ties!**

Have You Been Looking for Me?

2009-12-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

I know I have!

Facebook status update 11/13/09:
ending a relationship, becoming a little sister, returning to the folks’ house, quitting the only job I’ve held for a substantial length of time, finishing up a decade of ed. and trying to beat a dreadfully sore throat in the past 1.5 months has been...exhausting.

At least I'm no longer sick.

I've been trying so, so hard to adjust to all these changes while finishing out this semester. I'm feeling very unsettled and unlike myself. I'm confused. I don't like admitting this either.

2009 has been a doozy and I'm glad there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel. I've said before I'm not one for resolutions and won't be making any for the new year; I'm making resolutions for the heck of it...just because it's such a topsy turvy time and I ought to get it together! I'm being ridic...

I haven't even tried to unpack since I moved over Thanksgiving break. I barely have room to walk through my bedroom nor can I find numerous articles of clothing. This morning, I had to run out to the garage to find shoes to match my outfit. It's a fright, but take a peek anyway: Wow, now this is embarassing and pathetic! Wonder what the cable guy will think when he stops by tomorrow...Perhaps, he'll think this chick belongs on Hoarders, or something. On the upside, my parents pointed out I will have a man in my room! And, that's totally a joke- doubt the AT&T cable man is going to be my type and Lord knows I won't be his type.

Speaking of men and Facebook statuses, I started a frenzy the other day by changing my status to "in a complicated relationship", which people "liked" and also messaged me to find out who I'm dating these days. Since when is a complicated relationship something to like?

Here's why my relationship is complicated:
I live with my mothers who packs my lunch, I'm near 30 and soon to be unemployed. Being a horrible catch is pretty fucking complicated! Luckily, I have a best friend who watches out for me. It's too bad she's looking out for my best interest on CraigsList.com.

Christmas Season is almost upon us & we all know about those ever popular(?) "Office Parties". You know. The one's where we're basically forced to attend. The ones where you make that ever important impression on your Boss and his wife? Don't underestimate the importance of your presence, as well as your appearance at these functions. If you intend to even be considered for that new position in the up coming year, you NEED to be there. AND you need to arrive with a great date. There's no two ways around it ladies. Well let's say you want to go, BUT not alone! Not this year. No way! Not again.

What will you do? Who will YOU call? That's right! The guy on CNN . . . . . . . . . "RENT-a-GENT" ! ! ! !

Imagine arriving with THIS great-looking guy. Being able to converse all night long on countless topics, in the language YOU'D perfer. Being able to drink as much as you'd like and never having to worry about driving away so PLASTERED only to wake up in a cold, over-lit, uncomfortable jail cell because some Cop decided you were weaving all over #635.

PLEASE contact me! I can assist you ladies. The situation is NOT hopeless! Not THIS year! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . www.YOUR-RENT-a-GENT.com . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Location: Texas
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1492335552

Laugh, Cry, or Run?

2009-12-04T18:04:00.000-08:00

After work, I slipped into Nordstrom to try on UGGs, or Yeti shoes. My knock offs are ugly, but such the bomb, it was a necessary.

I tried the classic tall and then the argyle to be on the safe side since I have sticks for legs and the argyle provides a bit of elastic at the top.

Now, before you stop reading…cool your jets- this isn’t a girly shopping story!

I had one style of shoe on the right and another style on the left, pants folded up for a full view. I was torn and told the sales associate so. Sales associate decides to ask another customer she’s helping for her opinion on my boot situation.

“I don’t like either one of ‘em…The don’t do nothing for you. You need some support. I can tell your feet are crooked. You’re flat footed, aren’t you?”

“Uh-huh.”

“You got flat feet, you walk on the insides of your feet, too, don’t you? You need to get in some corrective shoes like your momma used to put you in. Mine used to make me wear them, but I wanted to wear shoes like the other kids and quit wearing them. Ibet that’s what you did, too. Now, I can’t hardly get out of the house some days. You need to get your feet fixed while you’re young. I’m too old.”

I was so stunned at how this old lady called me out, I couldn’t even open my mouth to respond. Not only did I get called out by some random in Nordstrom, she insisted I should be wearing corrective shoes AND it’s a Friday evening, meaning the store was packed!

Total humiliation. I must’ve turned ten shades of red and put the mightiest of pit stains in my sweater.

You Wanna What?

2009-12-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

I've got a really great news story for you out of Denton, Texas...I absolutely love it (only because nothing bad happened). Oh, I love this story! How idiotic can one human being get?

by JASON WHITELY / WFAA-TV
Posted on December 2, 2009 at 3:00 AM
Updated yesterday at 10:45 PM

DENTON - A Denton woman said a "free massage" left her feeling uncomfortable and ended with her calling the police. -Sounds creepily enticing :D

The 21-year-old woman, who did not want to be identified (do you blame her? LOL) said she regrets opening her door Monday afternoon and allowing a stranger posing as a massage school student inside her home."I played it in my mind how many times, and I was like shocked at myself," she said. "Like, why would you ever do that? Like, why didn't you ask for a student ID?"

The incident began when a man who appeared to be in his 20s wearing a T-shirt, cargo pants and flip flops knocked on her door (Did she not play this thought in her mind: "Boy, does he look ever so casual in his flip flops and cargo pants?") He told the young woman he was a student who needed credit for a massage class and was offering free massages. She allowed him inside and he gave her a massage on her couch using her own lotion. -This fool showed up empty handed!? Get it together perv-y massage man!

However, she said it was a brief massage because she quickly stopped him when he began running his hand too far up her leg. He left after giving her a hug and commenting on her physique." -I say, "don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Girl, you better take what you can get!

I know that I am very lucky," she said of it not going any further than that. -All jokes aside, she is VERY lucky.

Denton police said they worry this might not be his first victim and that he may go further next time if he tries again."Is he going to sexually assault someone?" said Officer Ryan Grelle, Denton Police Department. "I hope not. We hope not. But, we don't know." The young woman admitted she learned a lesson the hard way.

Denton police said the only crime the individual committed was hugging her, which is called contact assault, a Class C misdemeanor. She consented to everything else.

Investigators said they hope to find the man or any other victim with similar stories.

Trip to the Doctor

2009-12-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Planned Parenthood was recently mentioned in a comment in regards to my Just Hurry up Already post. This reminded me of my one and only trip to Planned Parenthood.

Flashback to January 2006 (the day I adopted little Timmy from the Dallas SPCA *kisses to the pooch**)

I needed to get one of those fun examinations ladies get and PP was open Saturday so why not. I felt cold and uncomfortable dressed in that flimsy sheet with holes awaiting a strange doctor to take a peak into the furry furnace. In walks a young lady, the doctor, and we talk a bit, exchange ill at ease pleasantries and then I lie back, staring at the ceiling.

Staring at the ceiling, I could only think of evaporating into thin air until I heard oohing and ahhing. Already stressed to the max, I panicked with her sounds. “There’s so much color in it. I see some reds, a bit of gray, some black”. I begin crying hysterically, because this routine check up has turned into me having a life threatening disease, some sort of STD, a crazy colored discharge I didn’t realize existed! Terror! Horror! Shock! I was wishing she’d just get to the bottom of it, quit all the small talk and hand me my sentence. Next thing I know, this broad is talking about windmills and, “what does that say?” The doctor wasn’t looking up the furnace; she was looking at the tattoo on the inside of my ankle.

photo

Stop This Flannel Trend At Once!

2009-12-02T11:14:00.000-08:00

Waking up on a completely abnormal snowy Texas morn, I had to figure out what to wear, but the majority of my clothing remains haphazardly stuffed away in boxes limiting my options.

I picked out my favorite pair of dark Hudson’s, a once worn black, brown and blue-ish flannel shirt and my generic black Yeti boots. No, I don’t tuck them in either. I felt a bit awkward in this get up. I mostly hate collared, button up and polo style shirts, which is why I've only worn the shirt once; they make me feel masculine looking, especially with my 15 year old boy figure…the rack also seems to disappear in these shirts. Anyway, I walk into the living room where my little brother is watching some Asian looking cartoon and plant myself in front of him:

“Do I look like a lesbo in this outfit?”

“No, but you look like a lumber jack”

“Damn it! That means I look like a lesbo lumber jack”

“Some people like that look.”

“Yeah, then some big butch babe is going to see me and wanna turn me out. You know I’m easy to persuade.”
photo

Why Not?

2009-12-01T21:24:00.000-08:00

A bit Myspace-esque, but have some fun & join in...let me know what you're realizing?

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size...Is completely awesome.

2. I've come to realize that my job...Is about to end & a new one is about to start. I’m afraid.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I have no memory of how I get anywhere.

4. I've come to realize that I need....A boat.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...Most of my anxiety

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...People don't properly shake my hand or use proper elevator etiquette during entry/exit.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...I panic because I’m such a control freak.

8. I've come to realize that money...Can always be made

9. I've come to realize that certain people...Don’t belong in my life and that’s ok.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always...

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)...It!

12. I've come to realize that my mom...Will never let me fully grow up & I understand.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...Is a piece of junk.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...The Xanax made me over sleep.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I was relieved to not be alone.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...It’s freaking late & must go to bed, but I told Lauren I’d do this if the kids didn’t exhaust me.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...Is real.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...It’s so, so boring.

19. I've come to realize that today...Was rough.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...Is cozy. I’ve been in bed since I got home.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...Is my final day of one of my classes-thank God.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...Move again :P

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...SCOMAN

24. I've come to realize that life...Is almost exactly as I want it to be & didn’t even know!

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...Will be crunknificent (I really do use this word jokingly)

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...Is the same music I listen to when I’m happy.

27. I've come to realize that my friends...Must be crazy to tolerate my constant chatter.

28. I've come to realize that this year...Was a doozy!

29. I've come to realize that my EX is... Is my EX & miss his company/good times.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should...Get it together & start working out.

31. I've come to realize that love...Is not what I thought & I’m still not sure what it’s all about.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand...Mathematics.

33. I've come to realize my past...Made me…me

34. I've come to realize that parties...Now require food, not just an empty house & booze.

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified...Being overweight. That’s new. I think it’s the realization that I’m aging.

36. I've come to realize that my life...Is greatness!

37. I have come to realize that I...Need to quit fooling around & sleep.

just hurry it up already

2009-12-01T16:27:00.001-08:00

Let me rest a foot on that old box for a minute while I ramble about birth control pills (and Wal-Mart). I don't mess around with that stuff or at least try not to. Hey, it's serious business. I can't birthin' no babies-period. So why does it take an act of congress to get birth control pills?

Dummy me lost them during the move this weekend and have been without for the past two days and heck if I didn't forget to pack them when I went to Ohio last month. Knowing I can't fool around by not taking my pills, I called my doctor's office today to get things straightened out. I was told to wait for his nurse to call me back. Taking matters into my own hands, I went to ...Wal-Mart to let the pharmacy know about the little mishap and urgency in which I needed a new set of pills. I was directed to another window blocked by a line of five restless folks, all waiting their turn. fudge. Finally, when I get my chance to talk to the "counselor", I'm given the green light, but must wait "about forty minutes or so" to get a prepackaged supply of birth control. This is where I really started to hate Wal-Mart more than I already do. Jerks! (ok, this next part is partially my fault)

I thought how to spend my "about forty minutes or so", I knew it wasn't going to be done wandering around in cold, sopping wet shoes because it was raining and the lot was full of puddles. McDonalds and Wal-Mart teaming up is a shit idea in my opinion, but I opted to have a value meal to waste time and take off my shoes to dry a bit. I've seen that website peopleofwalmart.com, so I knew taking off my shoes was the least of my worries and then decided to watch for these people of walmart - minimal luck. Furthermore, there was nothing valuable about my value meal; it was almost $7.00, tasted like crap & ended up in the trash.

Back to the birth control pills.

Not only are they a pain in the ass to get but can get pretty expensive, too. Like one time I tried to explain to the doctor's nurse how $40 a month for pills was completely ridic and just not feasible. She acted as if this $40 pill was my only option causing me to have to tell her she needs to find something because if I can't afford $40 a month for bc pills how in the world was I supposed to afford a baby. After this conversation my pills were changed.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it seems as if I always have such a difficult time with these pills and it annoys the crap outta me! I mean, for real, methods of birth control should be passed out like Halloween candy. Aren't there enough irresponsible degenerates having and making babies?

There! really no need for this post other than being somewhat annoyed.

Days of The Week

2009-11-30T18:50:00.000-08:00

I don't know how it all started, but somehow, back when I was living at home, I randomly came up with names of the week with a fun theme:

Ménage Monday
Tickly Tongue Tuesday
Whack-It Wednesday
Thorough Thrusting Thursday
Fuck Me Friday
Sex ‘Em Up Saturday

Where is Sunday, you ask? Well, I'm not a total jerk! Sunday is a holy day of rest and reflection.

At first, I used these terms to disgust family members and then this whole themed day turned into family joke. See, typically these themed days are said in casual situations with The Fam such as, "I've got to get to get plenty of rest because you know tomorrow is Whack-It Wednesday" or "I'll probably be home late tonight considering it's Fuck Me Friday".

In all seriousness, it may seem kind of out there to say such things to your younger brothers or parents for that matter, but it does bring something to light. Something I'm thankful for. Is this a Thanksgiving post you ask...Oh Yeah!

(I hate this word-blessed, but I'm about to use it anyway) I complain a lot or at least I'm accused of complaining, but deep down, I know I'm a very blessed lady. I have the majority of the things I want, have been successful in many ventures, I think I'm perfectly level headed in many a way and have a family that love, love, loves me. Not only do they love me, but (and this is the part I'm thankful for) we can be and are open with one another. It's such a (here we go again) blessing to be able to discuss all subjects with your parents and family members. Honestly though, we're all human and do human things so what's the big deal!?

I'm thankful knowing if I were to get completely shit faced drunk and reek of a garlic meatloaf sandwich I made thinking it was a good idea, I could pick up the phone and call my mom to come get me. I can also share thoughts and feelings and not worry about the reactions received. I'm sure there have been times or instances where The Fam didn't want to hear or know what I had to say or what I did and fought off the urge to vomit, but it's good I've got them around to listen and be accepting of me.

So there ya go!

i owe who?

2009-11-30T14:40:00.000-08:00

“Are you fucking serious? You’ve got to be kidding, right?” These are the words that repeatedly went through my head when the toll lady wouldn’t let me pass.

Let me give a little back story first. There have been multiple times I’ve run the toll, not on purpose mind you. It’s mainly because rarely, if ever, do I carry cash and therefore haven’t one red cent on my person! This particular night, I made sure I had 4 shiny quarters in my car; 2 to get there and 2 to get home.

Okay, here’s the story.

Late one night, not so long ago, (like this weekend) I was heading north on the toll way and missed my exit. As I approached the next exit's booth, coins in hand, I noticed this exit was significantly more than my usual exit, in fact 85 cents more. I’m thinking, “Shit, I’m short some coins…Guess, I’m gonna have to run it once again…Wonder how much I’m going to owe the North Texas Tollway Authority…What, is there a human in that toll booth? FRICK!”

So, I stopped. Upon sight of the woman in the booth, I imagined how this couldn’t be a safe job for an older lady, especially at the hour I was passing through. I figured between her unfortunate job and my unfortunate situation, we could see eye to eye on things. You know, have each other’s back. Help a sister out.

“Ma’am, I’m SO sorry. I missed my exit, I meant to take the one before this and don’t have the 35 cents you need here. I only have a dollar. Will you take the dollar?”

“Yeah, but you’re still going to owe $1.35”

“Oh…”

“Here, I’ll write you an IOU. Hold on there”

Sometime later, after reviewing my driver’s license, inputting data into her register and then writing down my license plate number, she presented me with an envelope and a receipt to sign off on.

“Put your signature here, here, here and here and drop this in the mail with your $1.35. You have 15 days to get this taken care of.”

Okay, so I get to pass without major implications such as that stupid flashing red light and loud sirens, but really, she couldn’t just let me slide? Granted, you can’t do favors for everyone, but gimme a break toll lady. I made an honest mistake.

After all was said and done and I had signed “here, here, here and here”, she then looked at my signatures and then had the nerve to tell me, “These signatures you put on here don’t look like the signature on your driver’s license”.

Look-y here toll lady, I signed my driver’s license in April 2006 upon it’s expiration date. That has been over 3 years ago, not only have I changed, but it was under completely different circumstances.

At this point I could only smile and kindly say, “Would you like for me to sign again?”

I'm In

2009-11-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

Deciding to move during Thanksgiving break wasn’t the smartest of smart ideas. Not only was a holiday taking place and I, of course, should’ve been relaxing, I also should’ve been working on multiple papers I must write and submit before December 2. Ugh!

I managed to do mostly everything on my own, until I got to the bigger pieces of furniture, which were moved today. I’ll be damned if buckets of rain didn’t pour down only when my dresser, couch and armoire were being moved. I’ve now decided to junk the couch I once so loved. Surprisingly, I took the weather-y mishap in stride. I must be changing.

Thanksgiving was filling; I spent the morning moving, the remainder of the day at my mom’s and the evening at my aunt’s, where it wasn’t possible to for me to sample any of her dishes thanks to the gluttony at Mom’s.

Friday, I was back to work. assholes. There was absolutely nothing going on in the office and thankfully, I was working a half day. Then, I spent the afternoon maniacally moving, really, really hurting my back in the process. That night, itching to hit the town, I instead took a pill for the pain and passed out on the living room floor watching an uber 90’s movie.

Saturday, I was sort of working on moving, but more so focusing on the crunknificent night I had planned with the girls; a night of boozing it up and dancing to one of our favorite cover bands. Cover band? Yes, you read correctly.

Sunday, well I’ve already told you all about Sunday because Sunday is today. I’m tired to the max and can’t wait to fall asleep knowing I’m going to wake up to find a lunch packed and ready for me to take to work Monday morning. I guess being at home with the folks has its perks although I believe my social calendar will eventually diminish and my already nonexistent love life will take even more of a plunge.

We’ll see what happens next…

Seriously?

2009-11-27T08:50:00.000-08:00

I thought movies led to sex. Guess I was wrong...

I saw this vid over at The Sweetest Thing.

sickening

2009-11-26T14:06:00.001-08:00

I realized recently, but just recently really realized what a complete and total ass I've been making of myself. I am EMBARRASSED and then some. I wish I could go into hiding, but it's not really necessary because, well, the one I want to hide from wouldn't know any different.

I feel so stupid, I'm off to drown myself in pumpkin pie filling.

I feel like the Thanksgiving asshole.... if there is such a thing (this really has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, I'm just blabbering)

I feel so, so stupid.

thanksgiving

2009-11-26T13:18:00.000-08:00

I’m not a holiday person and you know this if you were following me over at the old spot. Holidays freak me out and I always imagine DOOM! Today’s turkey juice flame up in the oven didn’t ease my holiday phobia; there was a small fire with a large shrieking scream. But seriously, today is the day I ought to get it together, right? I’m supposed to be thankful after all. I am, I am!

I’m thankful for (brace yourself here comes a list):
A station wagon- Although grandmotherly, I can easily transport goods. Plus, I’m moving today and thanks to my wagon, I was able to put many a box in my car.
Showerless days- Lets get something straight, I’m no scum bag; I shower every night before bed and have a shower obsession that puts me under the shower head more than once a day, but sometimes things get a little lax when I know I’m spending the day with the fam- they don’t care how I look. Pumpkin pie ice cream- Oh, it’s the stuff! I haven’t seen this ice cream until this year and it only goes to reassure me that someday I will be a very large lady. My new sister & brother- The old brothers are okay, but I’m pretty thrilled to have met the new ones. My legs & feet- I lack rhythm, but how in the dickens would I dance without legs and feet? That’s all I can think of for now…off the top of my head. Since I’m on the topic of Thanksgiving, this week the kids only had two days of school and I was there for the whole overwhelming bit of the mayhem involved in a holiday. Without kids in the family, it’s easy to forget what a big deal it is to have a holiday.

Tuesday morning, I walked into the bilingual classroom to return borrowed bulletin board boarder and saw the children in paper bag Indian vests and pilgrim hats. See, the kids we just an hour away from putting on the performance of a lifetime-At least it was for me.

Since English isn’t these kids’ native language, you can imagine the accents and difficulties they face in learning a new language. The teacher had them put together a small book in English about how the pilgrims came to America and met the Indians. The kids were split up, half Indian and other half pilgrim. They acted out parts of the story, such as rowing a boat to cross the Atlantic, shooting turkeys, planting corn, being cold and so on. It was adorable and then some! I was smiling from ear to ear and if you can imagine, my smile became much more intense when I heard them say, “…the pill-uh-grams and Indians”.

**please forgive my lame post, I'm on holiday & moving!

The Not So International Strip Off- LaBare Dallas

2009-11-21T07:47:00.000-08:00

There was nothing international about this strip off, but we all had a real good time. I was super uncomfortable at first. I have no interest in strippers and to be quite honest the whole idea gives me the creeps. 1. i imagine they're gay 2. they lick, slobber, bite and fondle tons of women 3. not a huge fan of big muscles, but they sometimes look nice- i will admit

To aid myself through the discomfort and continual Beavis & Butt head giggling, I began to hoot and holler with the best of 'em. Dancing around with dollars, throwing my hands in the air and acting like an all out spaz, until I actually got within close proximity to one of these muscle bound babes- I ran like a dramatic after school special.

Now, seriously...how did they consider this strip off international!? Scoman said he hoped Australia did him proud, but the most far off land anyone came from was Vegas for Christ sake! That's not international! I mean, come on...someone could've thrown on a pair of lederhosen or found a stuffed kangaroo for Sco's part of the world.

On a scale of 1-10, I give this night a 6. It would've been a 4, but fortunately we are the party and always manage to "bring it" and have a good time- we never go bored when we get together.

Thanks Girls!

down on the farm!

2009-11-21T06:46:00.000-08:00

Sack lunches in hand, we boarded the school bus for a trip to the farm. Gosh, I don't miss the smell of a school bus, but it's fortunate we got the bus that smelled of booty instead of exhaust, we could've all died from inhalation or something (?)- I'm no doctor, who knows.

The farm was great! After we ate our lunches, we met up for an introduction which was followed by a hayride.The hayride was our mode of transportation throughout the farm. It was so lovely watching the excitement on the children's' faces. It's funny how you feel like your heart has expanded beyond the perimeters of your chest and you experience the joy of being Momma, although the kids are virtually strangers. I'm getting soft.

Our first stop was a three story tree house with slides and swings, a tiny village, a labrynth and some other stuff I don't know the names of. I did take a slide and screamed the whole way down!

When we were done playing, we hopped back onto the hayride for a tour of the farm and a stop at the Candy Cane Tree, where we all got a candy cane. Oh, and we also got to see the types of Christmas trees they grow for sale, jump in hay, roast marshmellows (a lot of the kids hadn't done this before) and pet goats and a donkey.

Check out this goats eyes!
<

All in all, we had a really great time and I recommend this farm if you're in the DFW area, even if you don't have children! FUN TIMEs :o)

FLASHBACK Photo FRIDAY!

2009-11-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

The weekend is here and gee whiz, am I thankful! My brain has been all sorts of screwed up this week. There must be something in the hot chocolate I've been drinking? With a mixed up head, I've had blog-block and thanks to a lovely reader looking for me on Friendster, I was reminded of this photo:

I do have some better pictures coming up this weekend, so look out! Thursday, I took a field trip with my fourth grade class and tonight (Friday), I'm going to an INTERNATIONAL STRIP OFF! teehee

Have a good weekend & stay outta trouble :o)

I Could Look Better :/

2009-11-17T14:44:00.000-08:00

There I was sitting at my desk, surfing the web, fake rat in hand when some young sap walked into my office, confused about which door to enter. He began with some sort of spiel about Gold’s Gym, working out, trial memberships, blah, blah, blah. I told the fella, I wasn’t interested in a membership, but thanks. -You gotta give it to these door to door folks. This is something I could never do in a million years; I don’t have the fortitude. My tail would remain permanently fixed between my legs- THEN he started telling how I could look better and didn’t I want to look better!? “I already look good”, was my response. By the way, this jerk was wearing white dress shoes.

Ah, and this reminded of a situation that played out four or so years ago…with another Gold’s Gym person.

I was working another shitty customer service job, had recently called things off with a young man I had previously agreed to marry and for some reason decided I should date around, keeping an open mind. I hate dating.

There was this rumor going around at the time and for all I know could still be buzzing around; someone(s) claimed I have “commitment issues”. Yeah, Mom was in on it, too. Let me clarify things, not that justification is needed. I’m willing to bend and have a high tolerance, but I can only do/handle so much before I have to bounce. The committing isn’t the problem, it’s compatibility.

Anyway, like I was trying to say until I got side tracked by one of my hot button issues :)

There was this Gold’s Gym promo guy buzzing around my office and somehow, he suckered me into a date, although I’m not the biggest fan of red heads. Remember, I was being open-minded!
The putz didn’t even pick me up; instead, I met him at this house to watch a movie. Mind you, this was when I was still naïve in thinking watching a movie was, well, watching a movie. How was I supposed to know “watching a movie” translates into “you’re gonna come over and I’m going to ravage you like the hot piece of ass you are”? None of this went on, so let’s move on.

At his house, he proceeded to impress me with his H2O consumption. Yeah, one of those, “I drink 50 gallons of water a day, cook solely on the Foreman and don’t eat past 7 PM” dick heads. Needless to say, he had no Pepsi on hand.

To make a long story short, I spent the evening sitting on the most uncomfortable couch ever, watching a lousy movie, bottle of water in hand. This is was first and final date.

I am thankful this translation wasn't necessary for this one and there is no point to this story, except that I could look better....

SHAMELESS

2009-11-13T22:06:00.000-08:00

Last weekend Dallas weather was beautiful and I had the opportunity to help a friend with a photography class she's taking. Here are the results:

Another girl, SW, did an amazing job with my curls and make-up. Kudos to her for her patience with my "things touching eye" quirk and lack of apparent enthusiasm at the results. I'm a simple gal, not used to all this fussiness :D

Not too bad, right?

http://www.aprylann.com/

http://www.facebook.com/#/aprylann?ref=ts

stupid cold, growing old

2009-11-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

Thursday night's antics have left me basically bedridden. I have a terrible cold or something- I'm learning towards strep throat, throw in $1 drinks with the girls at an old haunt and you have trouble.
I started to feel a tad bit better yesterday and took advantage of the slightly improving health, but took it a little too far by breathing second hand smoke, trying to talk over blaring music and getting too little sleep. However, a night on the town was well worth it since I was getting stir crazy.

Last night has made me think
about growing older and possibly wiser. I have more fun inching closer to 30
than I ever did in my "prime". I'm much more at ease with myself, care less
about what others think and generally enjoy being me, imperfections, quirks and
all.
I get a kick out of watching the
younger crowd and it's dynamics, remembering how I was in my early 20's. Back
then, going out was just as imperative as a job. I was a slave to my cell phone,
fun and getting ready. Now, when I head out, it's purely about good times with
good people, not drinking and superficial interactions.

A How-To on Hooking a Hottie

2009-11-12T07:23:00.000-08:00

Online, I see ads about getting “ripped in four weeks” and am outright amazed and feverishly plotting my debut onto the dating scene, which I will now have to tack on an additional month. I graciously thank the Lord for my patience.

These days, who needs Rohypnol to get a date!? Here’s the real deal, step-by-step:

Find member of desired sex, meeting personality & height qualifications- looks inconsequential.

Chat up & win over with your absolute charm.

Initiate date.

Borrow Voodoo books from local library and/or learn hypnotism.

Begin slipping herbs into beverages and/or foods.

Keep using Voodoo/hypnotism for weeks 1 & 2.

Slowly introduce relationship to friends & family by mid-week 3.

Totally infatuated “RIPPED” arm candy by week 4.

not the oxygen

secret ops

Onto the Next One

Haunting

dressy

100% Out of The Loop

Just Wait

Psst!

OMG!

guess what!?

Slow Going

***CONSTRUCTION AREA***

quickie

bleh, meh, sheh

Crunch, Crunch, Cram

New Take on Dating

Fun-ness

Yes

Welcome To My Sad Little Blog

I'm F-ing Inconsistant *Here's Yet Another Update*

The Least You Can Do On My 29th Birthday Is....

I Don't Know What to Make of This

Part II

Jerk!

What, What?

Fan of Not the Oxygen on Facebook?/ St. Pat's

Cross 'Em

Quick Run Down of SB 2010

Conclusion of Date# .1

Little Brother's Birthday.

The Dating Winds Down

Say Your Prayers!

Date #4 of the Week

Date #3 of the Week.

...Wow, Really? JML

Sap.

....really...

Why Me?

Interactive Thursday...That Means You!

How I Forgot the Rhythm, but Remembered the Party!

Just Like Britney, Ooops!

Happy Valentine's Day, Love Birds

igotitigotitigotit!!!!

Thursday Night

The Crush...

One Last One!

Break!

Things Don't Always Go According to Plan

piss

LOVE HORRORS IV: How To Get Over a Cheating Boyfriend

Double Whammy!

The Date! (finally a decent one)

Love Horrors III: On Second Thought...

Asking For Forgiveness In Advance

quick rant

Love Horrors II: Breakfast In Bed

Love Horrors! Part I

MLK, you made my day!

The Dirty Thirty

Valentine, Valentine

Still Around

The Lazy, Honest Scrap

girls

I Do What I Wanna Do & Your Reading Comprehension Sux Delux

What I Did

My Favorite.

Fe2 + O2 = Fe2O3 + heat FAIL!

Curly Toes

Lowered Expectations?

The Tale of Tea Bag

OMG YOU FLIPPIN' WON! Revolution Garden Give-Away

Rambling Update

Find the Red Flags!

The Pawn

What's New? Nothing.

It's Almost Goodbye For Us, Weekend :/

It's Official!

Revolution Garden Give-Away!

Fa-fa-freezing!

And Like It?

CONSTRUCTION AREA

I'm F-ing Inconsistant Here's Yet Another Update